Revive us a tale

Saturday, 16 February 2019 11:36 pm
apollymi: Grumpy kitten, text translates to "the Kitten of Death has you in sight" (Kitten: Kätzchen des Todes)
I'm so far out of it today that I'm not even bothering to come up with a real subject line. I'm too... just not. I'm too not. My head hurts. My body hurts. And everything inside me feels so empty. Except for how my head hurts and I can't get my thoughts to turn in a more positive direction in fact over the two weeks.

I'm just so damn... not.

Dear world

Friday, 15 February 2019 11:48 pm
apollymi: Captain America and Bucky staring at each other, no text (Aveng**Steve/Bucky: Watching)
It's been that kind of day. Week. Month. Year. I'm really starting to wonder if there's any real point of me being here... besides being the universe's cosmic joke. I ended up putting in several applications over my lunch break today, so we'll see if anything comes of any of it. I'm not exactly hopeful of much of anything at this point. It's kinda rough feeling like hell, worrying about one's health, getting a write-up at work, and then still catching shit from one's coworkers all at once. It makes me want to turn to the camera at work, ask if Prometric has ever livestreamed an attempted suicide, and then just fucking go for it. I suspect I would be far from the first, though. Maybe the first that wasn't a tester, but then again, maybe not.

Besides, who the hell would miss a fuckup like me.

So close

Thursday, 14 February 2019 11:16 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba fanart, black & purple background, text reads "We'll make something out of nothing" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Something out of not)
I can't even begin to describe how incredibly just done in I'm feeling right now. It's not just a matter of feeling tired, though certainly that's part of it. I just feel... "done in" is really the best way to put it. "Drained of all energy" also works. "Unappreciated", "uncreative", "uninteresting", and "unwanted" also spring to mind.

Yeah, I guess you could say it's that kind of a day. Week. Month. Whatever.

Something

Thursday, 7 February 2019 11:22 pm
apollymi: Grumpy kitten, text translates to "the Kitten of Death has you in sight" (Kitten: Kätzchen des Todes)
I'm just so fucking done.

That's it. That's all I've got.

I'm fucking done.

Surviving

Thursday, 24 January 2019 10:48 pm
apollymi: Vachon leaning close over Nick's shoulder, no text (FK**Nick/Vachon: Heartbreakers)
I'm making it day by day. Well, today I was making it minute by minute. I'm just so exhausted, both mentally and physically, and nothing with work is helping.

I might as well write off the phone interview tomorrow. I don't see it coming around to much of anything at this point. Even with getting my side of everything in with LaTrease, who promised to pass it along to Chris, I don't foresee it making a damn bit of difference. A job at the Alpharetta campus would make my life so much easier... so of course it's never going to happen.

I didn't even manage to write anything, because fuck having any kind of attention span at all today. So, needless to say, my word count fucking sucks today.

I'm just going to go to bed, hope tomorrow doesn't suck out loud, and then come home for the weekend and quietly die.

So close to done

Wednesday, 23 January 2019 11:57 pm
apollymi: Hatter with a cuppa, text reads "Tea?" (Alice**Hatter: Tea?)
I feel like I'm so close done with this damn place. I feel like if I get in trouble for one more thing that Glynda gets away with, then I'm going to scream. Hell, I spent most of the drive home today thinking about how easy it would be to just run my car into a concrete pillar. If I had a gun in my house, that would have been the end of it. I even gave some thought to the bottles of pain killers I have left mixed with my Flexeril; if it's good enough for my father to try, it's good enough for me to try. At least my uncle had a rope and a garage handy; I don't have either of those options.

If I'm getting in trouble for spending five minutes trying to coordinate a ride to a doctor's appointment via my smartwatch, then I want Glynda getting in trouble for spending hours shopping on Amazon and JCPenney and QVC and whatever else site she's in love with this week. If I'm getting in trouble for that, I want her in trouble for all the days I end up taking care of patrons entirely while she sits playing around on the computer and not even looking up unless I say her damn name.

And of course this comes two days before my phone interview... with the same director who just got news of this. Of course it does. Why not.

Seriously, fuck my life.
apollymi: Chococat sitting in an orange chair, no text (Sanrio**Chococat: This is my ROOM!)
It’s relatively early for me, and yet I can’t quit thinking about how much I would like to go ahead and crash early and not get up again until Saturday. At least Saturday. Maybe Sunday. I feel like warmed over shit, and I can’t take a mental health day (or even a regular sick day) from work, since Richard is out right now on his yearly vacation.

Work is... work right now. I’m out of fucks to give about pretty much anything. I’m being as nice as I can be to candidates and trying to kill some of their test anxiety. However, the DM watching the camera thinks this means I’m spending too much time chatting with candidates. So now I have to hurry things along. Someone in the room has to have an eye on the testing room at all times, and since I doubt Glynda’s going to look away from her phone under the desk or Amazon or whatever she’s on now, I guess that’s going to have to be me. We’re getting dinged on little shit, a lot of which I didn’t even know we were supposed to be doing (various audio checks, new glasses procedure, etc), and all I can think is that this isn’t worth $30,000 a year. This much stress and nitpicking and anxiety isn’t worth $30,000 a year.

I still fantasize about stepping out into traffic one of these days, and honestly? Truthfully? Work is probably going to be the reason why if I ever do it. But I’m going to keep toughing it out for at least another year. More if I’m able to get into my Master’s program. I will keep trying to persevere.
apollymi: Bakura & Kaiba fanart commission, text reads "Apollymi" (Avatar: Dream of You)
Well, I did it. I made it through to my doctor’s appointment. Several updates along the way with that, mostly as far as medication goes. She thinks the problem with my hands is a bad case of contact dermatitis, and she prescribed a strong cortisone cream to try to take care of the problem, and she thinks the rash on my side is likely the same problem. She renewed my script for the 800mg ibuprofen for pain management. She also gave me Tramadol and Amoxicilin for the teeth issue and asked me to please try to get to the dentist within a week. Finally, we’re going to start me being transitioned from Paxil to Cymbalta, which is likely going to be an ongoing process with will take some time.

Medication-wise, at least, things are trying to come together and work out at least. Which is good, because work sucks out loud. I’m not even sure how I want to go about unpacking it. Just… it sucks.

Tuesday

Tuesday, 12 June 2018 10:07 pm
apollymi: Duo and Heero embracing, no text (GW**Duo/Heero: No Words)
Somehow it's only Tuesday. Yeah, I've honestly got no idea how that's the case. I went through a lot of today thinking it was Wednesday already. Imagine my disappointment.

I managed to work myself up into a right state today, between work and money and car and insurance... and then Glynda started telling me about a kitten down in the parking garage at work. And of course I was on MARTA today, so I couldn't exactly go try to find kitty. I have never felt like a worse person leaving work as I did today.

I did spend a bit of time walking to Mum today. I think we're pretty well decided on a particular Nissan Versa Note down in Union City. It's nice, has all the bells and whistles, and is less than $8000. Insurance is going to run me around $210 a month until it's paid off, but I guess I'll have to find somewhere to tighten my budget at. Somewhere. Somehow. It might be a few years of red beans and rice or ramen noodles in my future.

And I'm going to cut this whinge off here. Good night, all.

Something something

Sunday, 27 May 2018 11:50 pm
apollymi: Loose jumble of books, text reads "The keyboard makes me their god" (My Writing: Keyboard makes me their god!)
Yeah, another day of really having nothing of any importance left to say for myself. I feel like I'm wasting my long weekend, but at the same time, it's really nice not having to worry about having to get up and go to work or anything like that. It's nice to just not have to stress over shit like that.

That said, I do feel kinda cruddy. I'm all run down and without any kind of energy in my life at all. And I know part of it is the heat, part of it is the throbbing dental pain, and part of it is the depression. Any way you cut it, though, I'm an exhausted, lifeless lump who is wasting her entire time away from work.

That said, I got some writing done today, though admittedly not as much as I wanted. See above about my being a lifeless, useless lump.

And now this lifeless, useless lump is going to go back down the hall and try to sleep in my bed a bit. Later, all.

Eh

Thursday, 3 May 2018 10:37 pm
apollymi: Hicks holding Ripley as Ripley holds Newt, text reads "Family" (Aliens**Hicks/Ripley+Newt: Family)
I feel more dead than alive today. Emotionally, I have to say that I feel a lot the same as yesterday, minus the crying, which is a slight improvement I suppose. Otherwise, though, I feel pretty much exactly the same as yesterday.

At least I'm making some progress in writing today. I did end up doing over 2000 words yesterday, which is damn good, but I'm already at 1200 words for today, which is pretty impressive, I think, given how much the words have been fighting me today. I have at least eight different sections going all at once, and almost every last one of them wanted to fight me today. I ended up splitting my time between a Worst Case Scenario story and an original that came out of left field at me.

And that's about all I've got for today. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, to seeing if maybe some rest will help. I'm... not sure how hopeful I am of that, but I'm holding on to that hope anyway. I'm hoping it will get me through to the end of the day tomorrow.

And I'm done in. Good night.

Disappointment

Wednesday, 2 May 2018 09:29 pm
apollymi: Blank background, text reads "Some days the body count will exceed your word count. And that's okay" (Text: Body count vs. word count)
I apparently managed to dream up typing an entire journal of some length. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm certainly not going to try to replicate it, because I'm not sure I remember even half of the content of it... and that's mainly because I'm freaking exhausted.

And because I'm out of fucks to give.

I mean, why give a fuck about work? I hate it.
Why give a fuck about the house? I hate it too.
Why give a fuck about trying to dig myself out of a funk? It'll be years before I can financially afford to enjoy myself.
Why give a fuck about trying to lose weight? I'll just be fat and ugly and in pain anyway.
Why give a fuck about writing? No one gives a damn, no one enjoys it, and it's never done a thing for me.
Why give a fuck about dealing with my depression? I'll just feel alone at the end of the day anyway.
Why give a fuck about breathing? No one gives a shit anyway, and they'd be better off without me draining them.

So... close...

Monday, 30 April 2018 11:44 pm
apollymi: Jean Grey as the Phoenix, surrounded in flames and smirking, no text (XMen**Phoenix: The bitch is back)
I am so freaking close to being done with Camp for the month. It seems like this one has been harder on me than previous WriMos... but I think I say that every time. I've had a lot more days where I end up writing nonsense because my words are broken. I think yesterday's journal entry might have fit that bill, and I know I ended up rewriting the same 400 or so words a good three or four times yesterday, because they made progressively less sense the further I went. (In fact, I ended up having to fix a lot of it on the train today, because really, it made no sense at all.)

Another of my teeth broke a bit more. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't one of my front teeth, and now it's embarrassing. But I was playing on the dental insurance website, and even though they cover 80% of the cost, getting dentures would still be a whole lot of money. Not as much as implants, apparently, but still a lot.

I'm just tired of being in pain and looking terrible. That starts with my teeth and goes to my weight and then on to the fibromyalgia and everything else. I'm just tired. I'm just tired of everything.

Anyway, wholly depressing thoughts aside, I'm going to try to get the last few hundred words done, so I can go throw myself at my bed. Good night, all.

Whoops

Saturday, 28 April 2018 10:50 pm
apollymi: Vasquez firing his gun, no text (Mag7**Vasquez: Out of focus)
I keep dozing off and forgetting to write this entry. It's especially something I don't need to be doing when I'm close to the end of the month -- and frankly, I'll admit it: I'm using my journal as some of my words for the month. It might be cheating a bit, but I'm not sure I give a shit right now.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do as far as my medical coverage right now. My previous doctor is now no longer covered by my insurance. I've been assigned a new doctor, and I'm guessing that I should be on her patient roster before much longer. The thing is, I'm not sure if I should go to my old doctor to get my patient information or if the new doctor will do that. My rheumatologist was discussing trying to change my depression/anxiety medication from Paxil, which isn't working so great for me any longer, to Cymbalta, which apparently has fewer contraindications with other medicines and also can treat nerve damage and joint pain. I guess I'll try calling new doctor during the week next week and see what all she needs to get me started with her.

I seriously cannot get "The Marvel Bunch" out of my head.

I'm still unpacking my thoughts on the Avengers: Infinity War movie. It felt like the Guardians sort of got the shaft as far as characterization and screen time. Well, okay, Star-Lord got the shaft. And yes, I know we got plenty of Gamora, but did we really need to pretty much use the Guardians to keep the movie from being too serious? Yes, those movies are some of the lightest in the MCU, but that's not all they are. Honestly, movie needed to be about an hour longer to round out storylines and characters better; it's too much crammed into too little time. Also, fuck Thanos. Fuck him with a chainsaw.

At some point in the day, Luci decided to bury one of my socks and my ankle brace in Boo's litter box, and I have no idea what to do with any of this. My cat is a brat.

Anyway, back to writing. I just need to reach my minimum for the day and then play hella catchup tomorrow and Monday. Later, all.

Blegh

Wednesday, 28 March 2018 10:44 pm
apollymi: Chaucer looking annoyed, text reads "I will eviscerate you in fiction" (AKT**Chaucer: Eviscerate you in fiction)
I’m getting really sick and tired of writing out everything on my phone: journal entries, fanfic, really everything. It’ll be at least Friday before our home internet is something we can afford to renew, because our lives are ridiculous.

I feel so entirely drained, that I haven’t gotten all the work that I wanted to get done accomplished. I wanted at least 1000 words; if I break 500, I’ll be shocked. I wanted to pick up some around the house; yeah, right. A lot of it is apathy: I don’t have it in me to care right now. I mean, why bother? No one but me gives a fuck anyway. I could drop off the face of the earth, and no one would notice.

And gods, some days that is the most attractive idea I’ve ever heard: just saying fuck everything, and walking away. Just walking until I drop dead. I doubt anyone would even miss me.

So, yeah, why fucking bother.

So yeah

Sunday, 18 March 2018 10:42 pm
apollymi: Faraday staring off, no text (Mag7**Faraday: Middle distance)
I think I was even lazier today than I was yesterday. At least yesterday I did the little bit of grocery shopping I could afford to do. Today, I didn't even leave the house, even to hit a PokeStop. Whoops. And it was a day 7 for me too. Oh well. I'm not sure I have a damn to give left in me.

The food we ate today was pretty much all the things I don't need to eating: pancakes and locally produced cane syrup for brunch, and loaded mashed potatoes for dinner. Even if it was all food I'm not meant to eat, it was so damn good. I'm not feeling much in the way of shame for it. Like I said, it was good. [personal profile] katsuko is good to me, making tasty foods.

Teeth are still seriously hurting. I would say that I'm going to OD on Orajel treating them, but I've used much, much more of it in a much shorter time frame than I am right now at various other points since this whole saga started. Honestly, I ought to buy stock in Orajel, so I can support myself.

Things to remember to pay on Friday: Progressive, Charter Spectrum, Georgia Power, Verizon, doctor's office, an oil change in the Malibu, and probably something else I'm forgetting about. At least I don't have to worry about paying for the storage facility anymore.

Man, filling the petrol tank in the Malibu is going to be even more of a pain than it was in Shinigami. In Shinigami, I could make $15 get me over half a tank from empty. In the Malibu, $15 doesn't even get to the halfway point. (Same gas station, roughly the same price per gallon, at that, too.)

I don't know what I need to do as far as getting a new car. I mean, I've had $50 come in on the fundraiser. It's helpful, yes, but it gets me nowhere near what I need for a down payment, which is at least $1500. I don't want to sell Shinigami until I'm closer to what I need, because I don't want to lose my long-term insurance membership that keeps me with a good discount... if I can even sell him quickly. I still need to clean him out, though I think I might need a cordless hand vacuum for that, really.

Honestly, so much is predicated on me having the energy to do stuff at a time when the weather will cooperate with the doing of stuff.

But alas, it's now time to stop my whinging and throw myself at my bed. Good night, all.

A few things to say

Friday, 16 March 2018 09:27 pm
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
I guess I can provide a little chit-chat about things that went on yesterday and today. It's certainly not going to be much, because I think I drifted through most of this week.

I did have my rheumatologist appointment yesterday. Of all the doctors I actually have to see, I like Dr. Singh and his PA Magdelena best, simply because they actually seem to give a damn about finding out what my problems are and how best to handle (and maybe fix) them.

Cut for health blathering )

I'm just about to give up on the fundraiser. I've only gotten the two donations, and while $50 is generous, it's not enough to do anything car-wise. It might not even be enough to put gas in the Malibu. It's pretty obvious that this is really low down on the priority list, with all the other fundraisers going around, especially on Tumblr, recently.

I don't have a good enough sob story, I guess. I just have a dead car, a loaner that I won't have for long, massive debt, bad credit, and an overwhelming urge to check my life insurance policy to see if it would help [personal profile] katsuko out if I could make it look like an accident, since there is a rider in my life insurance plan for that, since it's within two years of the start of my policy.

And yes, the depression is back in full swing. And I don't even care.

Something

Monday, 4 December 2017 10:12 pm
apollymi: Steve & Danny hugging, text reads "Stop breaking my fucking heart" (H50**Steve/Danny: Stop breaking my ❤)
It's been another tiring day. It feels like, with the surgery coming up in just over a week, I'm on a countdown. If I can just get it to that point, then it's only two more days of work before the winter holiday.

You ever work with those people who have to have everything be a competition? I'm not sure I could say everything with Glynda has to be a competition, but there is this: if I mention that I'm not feeling well, suddenly she feels ten times worse. I have a headache, so she has a migraine. I have a stomachache, so she's been sick all night. I come in with a fever, so she's losing her voice. I've been nauseated all day and most of the night before, so she was sick all weekend, barely able to move. It's... frustrating to say the least, how everything has to be brought back around to be about her. Honestly, it leaves me tempted to just not say anything at all, but everyone at work gets so pissy when I spend the day not talking. It's sort of a lose-lose situation.

Honestly, all I want to do is just... sleep. I wouldn't mind cuddling with the girls a bit too, but I want sleep and to never have to do anything again. That's way too much to ask for, though, isn't it?

Anyway, I guess I'm going to finish typing up what I handwrote earlier and then go on to bed. Sleep awaits.

Tired

Sunday, 3 December 2017 11:28 pm
apollymi: Zack facing away, text reads "So don't judge me by my failures, only by my dreams" (FF7**Zack: Judge me only by my dreams)
Okay, usually, I sleep like mad on Saturday and have energy to do things on Sunday. That was not the case this weekend. I've spent most of today parked in front of YouTube or sleeping some more. Mostly I've been watching -- or rather, rewatching -- History Cold Case videos. Mostly I would love to see more of that show, but most of the people involved have moved on to different universities, so it would be a bit more difficult at this point. I guess it's not impossible, but I feel like BBC2 would have already made another series by now if they were going to.

And yeah, that was a whole ramble about nothing. I've got nothing for today. I made the mistake of taking a Flexaril at bedtime yesterday, so that maybe I could sleep better without my back hurting so, and I think that's why I'm so tired today. My back is still hurting today, but since I have to be up and at work tomorrow, I really can't afford to take another.

So I'm just gonna take my Paxil and go crash in my bed, provided Boo is willing to share the bed with me. Good night, all.
apollymi: Cloud leaning on Zack, text reads "Love will find a way" (FF7**Zack/Cloud: Love will find a way)
Today really wan't much of a productive day either. I didn't get nearly as much writing done as I wanted to, and I don't think I even got as much done as I needed to. I just couldn't concentrate on it at work today, and afterwards, I had the doctor's appointment. That was followed by passing the fuck out for a few hours and getting some much needed sleep and then picking up my prescriptions from the pharmacy and dinner from Taco Bell. After that... I don't know. I lost the rest of that time somehow. I seem to have lost the rest of that time.

I suspect a large part of it was spent grousing over how hard it was to concentrate when the neighbors are throwing a fiesta right next door. It was not a particularly raucous fiesta, as far as these things go. In fact, it seemed to just be the family having a big bonfire in the backyard are and letting the kids run around like crazy little fucks. And loudness? Jesus H. Jumped up fucking Christ, there might as well have been entire herd for them for all the noise they were making. Even Luci strongly disapproved. It also meant that we saw no sign of Peps tonight. I wouldn't want to come around with all that carrying on going on either. I can't say that I blame him/her.

Actual writing today? The majority of it was on original stuff. I don't know. It suddenly bit me. It's probably not the greatest stuff, but it's something. Either way, I feel like I'm fighting for every word today. I want to be writing. I want to be writing a lot. But for some reason, I'm just so damn tired all the time, and it's taking everything I have to dredge up enough concentration to do my work during the day and to do damn near anything in the evenings. Either way, I'm just going to have to keep on keeping on, as always.

And yeah, I can't seem to even concentrate enough to get this damn thing finished today, so I'm just gonna stop here and go throw myself at my bed. After all, [personal profile] katsuko and Luci are dead to the world next to me. Later.