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Tuesday, 22 January 2019 09:08 pm
apollymi: Grumpy kitten, text translates to "the Kitten of Death has you in sight" (Kitten: Kätzchen des Todes)
Seriously, I could drop flat on my face and never move again. I'm tired. I hurt. I'm emotionally exhausted. I got paid on Friday, and I'm already broke, because damn it, bills are just about all we can afford to pay.

On the upshot, I do have a phone interview on Friday. Amusingly, I know two out of the three people I'll be phone interviewing with. Hell, two of them are in the same department as me, and one is the head of GSU Testing. The only one I don't know is the head of testing at GSU Alpharetta. I've been trying not to get my hopes up, but I applied for a job with GSU Testing Alpharetta. It would save me a huge amount of time, gas money, and wear and tear on the car if I'm driving 15 minutes to work instead of an hour and a half, you know?

I'm so sick and damn tired of people belittling the amount of pain I feel. I have Glynda, who complains every day about how sick she feels or how exhausted she feels or how her "bad shoulder" hurts. If my back or one of my legs decides to give out every so often, though, it's always "You're too young for that kind of pain" or "Well, you have an old mattress, so that's why you hurt". Bitch, no. The point is that no one knows why I hurt all the time. The point is that there are days I legitimately am only able to come to work because it's next to impossible to get time off. Like, I have 28 hours of vacation time, but over 80 of sick time.

And that's another rant that makes me miss Florida: we have to take the time the university is closed as off. There is no way to work during that time. However, we have two choices: we can either not be paid for that time or we can use our own vacation time for it. And I'm over here screaming, "What the fucking fuck?! Florida is supposed to be the broke state so far as how it pays its state workers, but it at least knows that, if you require a person to not be at work, don't make them pay for it! And yet, everyone here goes on like it's a great thing, because apparently, there used to be no choice: you just weren't paid for the time the universities were closed unless it was an actual holiday.

And then there's the whole thing where I regularly end up working a few more minutes over 40 hours on a regular basis nearly every week. If this time doesn't "mysteriously" get erased from the system, I don't get overtime for it. I don't even get comp time for it. If I don't somehow "lose" this time, I end up getting regular pay for it. And it doesn't stretch too far in Atlanta, even the suburbs.

Honestly, it's to the point where I'm thinking about taking another part-time job. I'm not sure where I would find the time -- or, more importantly, the energy -- for it, but there needs to be more steady money coming into this household. We can't count on [personal profile] katsuko's money being the same week to week, and all my insurance bills went up at the beginning of the year. I did get a 1% pay hike, but it was not enough to offset the insurance increase.

And that's my daily whinge. Goodnight.

New Years Day

Tuesday, 1 January 2019 11:24 pm
apollymi: Grumpy kitten, text translates to "the Kitten of Death has you in sight" (Kitten: Kätzchen des Todes)
I guess it's time to be that day again, the day when I try to rustle up something like a few resolutions to fail to keep this year.

So, for 2019...

(1) Write a journal post every day. That has been a thing I've been doing for several years now, and I've done pretty good at it so far.
(2) Try to write around 1,000 words per day. I freely admit that I'm going to fail on this some days, including today, but it's an attempt. Some days will be more, and some days will be less.
(3) Eat more mindfully and try to lose weight. I'm starting the year at 210. My goal is between 135 and 145.
(4) Go back to school. Thanks to working at Georgia State, I have access to going to any University System of Georgia school for free, and I might as well take advantage of it. Maybe Library Science? Why not.
(5) Pay off debts. There are plenty. Might as well start working on them so my credit can start moving to a better place.
(6) Try to focus on and improve my health. I'm starting the year in pain and, at times, barely able to move. I've got to find a way to try to make this a thing I can live with... somehow.

Friday

Friday, 28 December 2018 11:24 pm
apollymi: Ed glares & Al stands behind him, no text (FMA**Ed: Ed is unimpressed)
Well, I wish I had a lot to say about today. I had my appointment at my regular doctor. She said my back pain could be something as simple as needing a new mattress. She doesn't think it's a herniated disc, which I guess is good. She did say that she would order an x-ray, just to be on the safe side. She wants me to start doing some simple exercises at home and, if they don't work, she will order physical therapy.

I'm trying not to complain, but I'm torn between thinking that she isn't taking this very seriously and thinking that I'm just spinning my wheels. Maybe I'm just meant to be hurting constantly. I know that the 800mg Motrin isn't really cutting it these days, but I also don't want to do too much of the addictive stuff either. All the doctors I've been to over the years, and no one has pinned down a reason for it. No one has ever pinned down a reason to say "this right here, this is why you always hurt". I've had one doctor say "it must be fibromyalgia", but then I've had so many since say they don't want to give me a "throwaway diagnosis" like that.

So I just don't know. I'm stumped.
apollymi: 3 sections, 1st close up of Nick's lower face, 2nd Nick & Cassie at table, 3rd Cassie holding head in pain, no text (Push**Nick+Cassie: Watcher Mover)
Well, I'm officially wiped out. Jellybean has been playing me hard, and I'm not sure I've got much left in me. Like, legitimately, it's 9 in the evening, and I feel like collapsing. I went ahead and took a Flexeril because otherwise I might not be able to move tomorrow at all. Jellybean had me dragging her around like a dead body and propping her up so she could do handstands, and frankly, my back really isn't up for it. I'm sort of wishing I still had my hydrocodone with me, because that might help too. In the meanwhile, I'll make do with what I have: the 800mg ibuprofen and Flexeril.

I think I'm gonna try collapsing for a bit now. Later, all.

Monday

Monday, 17 December 2018 11:59 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba, close up on eyes, text reads "Your eyes" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Your eyes)
The dreaded Monday has arrived again. I somehow stumbled through it, though I must admit that I have no idea how I did. Today was a bit of a pain-filled blur. It feels like my back is getting worse, and the shoulders and neck aren't far behind. The feet and hands aren't far behind, especially today. As much as I hate to do it, I might have to see about setting up a doctor's appointment for after the holiday. There's just no way I would be able to get in this week, even though I'm opening Wednesday and Thursday mornings at work. The money for the appointment just isn't there, as well as the money for any prescriptions I might end up having to get.

It's probably pretty damn sad when $30 for a doctor's appointment is too rich for what I can afford, isn't it?
apollymi: Giles in front of flames, text reads "Ripper" (BtVS**Giles: Ripper)
I wish I had something to say for today. I didn't have to stay late today. I actually got out on time, which was a nice change. LaTrease is back tomorrow, which is also good.

I'm so damn stiff and sore, though, and that I can't really appreciate. It keeps me awake at work, which I guess is a good thing. Better than everything continuing to be screwy anyway.

And now... bed.
apollymi: Human body, text reads Fibromyalgia (Stock: Fibromyalgia)
It was such a long day today that it almost feels like it should be halfway through Tuesday already. No, seriously, it's felt like two days in one, as long as today has gone. It's the whole "having to be at work at 7:00 AM and then getting home... whenever" that's doing it, I would imagine. Add in the way I'm all stiff and sore today, and that's probably what's done it.

That said, I have no idea why I'm stiff and sore, just that I am. My hips are a bloody mess, and my ankles aren't much better. My neck and shoulders are in horrendous shape and barely want to hold the weight of my body and clothes, much less my bags. I guess, in deference to that, I'm going to try to go as light as possible tomorrow. I'm not sure how well that'll end up working, but I'm gonna try.

And yeah, that's all I've got. I'm gonna... I don't know... go carefully throw myself at my bed and see if it will accept me? Good night.

Blegh

Thursday, 4 October 2018 11:24 pm
apollymi: Hatter with a cuppa, text reads "Tea?" (Alice**Hatter: Tea?)
I can't put into words how cruddy I feel right now: cold and clammy but also hot, like there's something stuck in the back of my throat that I can't quite cough out, tired but not sleepy, sore, and headachy. I pulled a charley horse overnight yesterday (and yet somehow managed not to wake myself up with it, clearly a sign that I'm too used to my legs hurting too much if I slept through it), and it's still been sore today. Not to mention the ongoing foot/ankle pain issue.

I got the results back from my latest blood work. My C-reactive protein remains high: currently an 11.6 when it should be no higher than 4.9.

And that's it. I'm going to make myself go to bed now. Good night.

Almost...

Thursday, 13 September 2018 11:26 pm
apollymi: Ginji in taro/chibi mode with teary eyes (GB**Ginji: *wibble eyes*)
Two days into this newest medication for my joint pain, and all I can say for it so far is that it's not the hugest pill I've ever had to take. It does, however, get stuck in my throat more than just about any other pill I've ever taken. It requires so much liquid to get down. I do not like it so far, obviously, but if it decides it's going to help some of the pain, I'll put up with it. (I'll also gladly put up with the supposed "decreased appetite" side effect listed online for it. Yes, please.)

Tomorrow is payday, but mostly I'm just ready for the weekend again.

And yeah, that's all I've got (again). I'm gonna go crawl into my bed now.

Rheumatologist

Tuesday, 21 August 2018 11:54 pm
apollymi: Kyle and Sarah, text reads "Come with me if you want to live" (Term**Kyle/Sarah: Come with me)
So I did my appointment with my rheumatologist today. I... guess it went all right. I think she's going to be renewing my prescription for Vitamin D after she gets my level results back. They drew about four vials of blood, because she is going to redo all the tests that's been done on me over the years: lupus, inflammation, probably thyroid... you name it, I think she's rechecking it. They're going to try to set up an MRI on my right wrist and right ankle, and then I have to go back in October.

She did say that she feels like fibromyalgia is the correct diagnosis, but she also said that she doesn't want to write me off as just fibromyalgia and call it a day. She said something about having a feeling in her gut that fibro isn't all of it, that there's something else that we're all missing. Hence running all the tests again. Going back to the beginning, she called it. I think I'm good with that.

Other than that, it's been a pretty quiet day with lots of testing and driving and writing. So I don't really have anything else to add.

Monday

Monday, 20 August 2018 11:22 pm
apollymi: Hotaru skipping happily, text reads "The Hotaru-verse is a shiny and fluffy place with skipping" (SDK**Hotaru: It's a skipping happy unive)
It's Monday all over again, apparently. I'm not a huge fan of them to begin with, but they're a whole lot less fun when you have a coworker coming back from a week and a half's vacation in a bad mood and the still looming threat of another mystery shopper and another coworker who likes to stir shit up.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the rheumatologist. I'm not sure what the plan is for it or what he wants to talk about. I'm pretty sure he's going to want to check my Vitamin D levels again because they usually suck. I'm hoping to speak to him about the ongoing pain in my ankles that makes walking very difficult... and if any of this ongoing shit would in any way qualify me for either disability or at least a handicap placard for the car.

And yeah, that's about it. I'm just looking forward to only having a partial day at work tomorrow. I'll get to leave at 2:15, after all, and that's damn good by me.
apollymi: Human body, text reads Fibromyalgia (Stock: Fibromyalgia)
God, I had had serious doubts thats that today was ever going to get here. Like this week was legitimately three weeks long... and yet I'm sure the weekend will be approximately 45 mintues long.

That said, my entire plans for the weekend include going grocery shopping one of the two days... and that's pretty much it. Anything else will be a pleasant surprise.

And I think I'm going to go try to do that now. Later, all.
apollymi: Faraday and Vasquez fighting back to back, no text (Mag7**Vasquez/Faraday: Shootout)
Is it Friday yet? I’m ready, really damn ready for this week to be over. It’s been long and it’s been tired an it be , and I’m all fed up with that. I’m tired of having to walk and do stuff when I hurt the way I’m hurting right now.. Every time I put the slightest bit of weight on my right ankle, it starts screaming in pain. Sounds like some, but I would prefer not to ever think about the stuff otherwise.

All that going on, I obviously don’t have a lot of writing done. I certainly haven’t done as much as I need to, do. Given that there are moments where I want to throw up if I step too wrong. I haven’t fallen lately. I haven’t done anything really that that would warrant . I haven’t fallen in nearly a month or so now. , And given that sometimes, just sometimes, that pain is what defines everything I do, I think it’s fairly all right for me to describe it as unbearable.

All that adds up to a pretty poor and miserable me. I haven’t felt like anything in a while, but getting from work to the train station nearly did me today, and that’s not awesome. After tomorrow, though, I can put it up for a bit and rest it ahead of Monday and going back to work. Except for my dentist appointment on Saturday morning, I have no plans whatsoever this weekend, except resting.

And now, I’m going to go throw myself at my bed and try to get a few hours sleep before I do everything all over again. (Really, it’s the thought that it’s Friday that’s sustaining me right now.) I’m tired as fuck, but I’m just hurting too much right now to actually really sleep. So right now, the whole sleep thing is just a hope, not a guarantee. But oh, I’m gonna try. And I’m off to go try that now.
apollymi: Carl holding bottle of holy water, text from Monty Python & the Holy Grail (VH**Carl: Holy hand grenade)
Friday at freaking last. I was seriously starting to think that it was never going to come. It’s been a long, long week at work, and I’m so damn happy that it’s over. I don’t even care that I’m finishing out the work week essentially broke, because I’m just that glad it’s over. Granted, I didn’t get as much accomplished as I wanted to, especially on the writing front, but when I’m drugged up well enough to essentially be a bit stoned, it’s sort of a cost-benefit thing: I’m not in pain but no writing has happened, and it feels like the scales are sitting about evenly for that.

I did manage some handwriting earlier in the day, trying to deal with my seven characters in search of a story arc. I’ve got two of my seven major characters onto fic, with a third just off scene, and I’m trying not to be too hopeful. In media res is a valid here, yes?

I have a very beautiful Boo sitting in my lap, and it’s so lovely. She’s slowly starting to venture out into the living room and the rest of the house again, though she does remain leery of Luci, which is valid enough, I believe. [personal profile] katsuko is on the other end of the couch, stretched out under a thick blanket, despite it being 76°F/24.4°C in the house. Apparently, she’s not digging the fans blowing on her, which is fair, I suppose.

And I’m flagging here, barely able to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds at the time. It’s taken me a few forevers to get even this much typed up, when I keep drifting off. So good night, all.
apollymi: Typewriter and paper, text reads "Fanfic writer" (My Writing: Fanfic Writer)
Work today was a little closer to “same old, same old”. I’m not sure how I’m feeling on that: if I’m happy that things are getting back to normal, or if I’m miffed because that means I’m having to put up with the Queen of Mood Swings herself. Like I said, it could go either way.

I wanted to make words happen today, but that didn’t go so well. I just can’t keep my brain in gear for longer than a couple of minutes at the time, probably thanks to the Tramadol. Right now, I’m not too terribly upset, because I’m really enjoying being 99% pain-free for the first time in years. I wish it didn’t make me so tired at night and then hungover in the morning because the whole pain-free thing is damn nice.

I just also would like to be pain-free, not hungover, and able to write. Said like that, it seems a little selfish, huh? I want to not hurt, not feel like I’m in a daze and might fall asleep standing up, and be able to write, all at once.

I have seven characters in search of a book arc, and it’s making me a little nuts. I know the genre, I know most of the characters, but I have no idea on what kind of stories to give them. Because right now, I’m leaning towards wanting to make a trilogy of sorts out of the three sibling characters. But I need a starting place. I need a plot. I know one will eventually come to me, but it can’t happen soon enough.

Finally... I’m ending the night with 617 words for the day and 11,940 out of 30,000 for the month. I am (roughly) on schedule to complete on time.
apollymi: Bakura & Kaiba fanart commission, text reads "Apollymi" (Avatar: Dream of You)
Well, I did it. I made it through to my doctor’s appointment. Several updates along the way with that, mostly as far as medication goes. She thinks the problem with my hands is a bad case of contact dermatitis, and she prescribed a strong cortisone cream to try to take care of the problem, and she thinks the rash on my side is likely the same problem. She renewed my script for the 800mg ibuprofen for pain management. She also gave me Tramadol and Amoxicilin for the teeth issue and asked me to please try to get to the dentist within a week. Finally, we’re going to start me being transitioned from Paxil to Cymbalta, which is likely going to be an ongoing process with will take some time.

Medication-wise, at least, things are trying to come together and work out at least. Which is good, because work sucks out loud. I’m not even sure how I want to go about unpacking it. Just… it sucks.

So... close...

Monday, 30 April 2018 11:44 pm
apollymi: Jean Grey as the Phoenix, surrounded in flames and smirking, no text (XMen**Phoenix: The bitch is back)
I am so freaking close to being done with Camp for the month. It seems like this one has been harder on me than previous WriMos... but I think I say that every time. I've had a lot more days where I end up writing nonsense because my words are broken. I think yesterday's journal entry might have fit that bill, and I know I ended up rewriting the same 400 or so words a good three or four times yesterday, because they made progressively less sense the further I went. (In fact, I ended up having to fix a lot of it on the train today, because really, it made no sense at all.)

Another of my teeth broke a bit more. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't one of my front teeth, and now it's embarrassing. But I was playing on the dental insurance website, and even though they cover 80% of the cost, getting dentures would still be a whole lot of money. Not as much as implants, apparently, but still a lot.

I'm just tired of being in pain and looking terrible. That starts with my teeth and goes to my weight and then on to the fibromyalgia and everything else. I'm just tired. I'm just tired of everything.

Anyway, wholly depressing thoughts aside, I'm going to try to get the last few hundred words done, so I can go throw myself at my bed. Good night, all.

Oww

Friday, 6 April 2018 11:02 pm
apollymi: Hansel & Gretel in the woods, text reads "We've got the taste of blood" (H&G: Hansel & Gretel: Taste of blood)
What a goddamn day. I'm damn glad it's over, and honestly, I'm going to try my best to avoid having to do much of anything for the weekend. The less I do, the less likely I am to repeat the remainder of the day.

Work wasn't too bad. Granted, I still was feeling sore as hell, and I was more than a little out of it. Granted, some of that was me taking a Flexeril at breakfast to try to help with sore muscles. I got one of those hot/cold patches that supposed to help with sore muscles... but it ended up scalding my shoulder in an hour. Seriously. It looked like the worst sunburn I had ever gotten. So I had to abandon that plan.

But then, on the way home... I don't know if I tripped and fell or if I went lightheaded again and fell... but either way I ended up kissing pavement, hard. I took a good chunk of skin off the bridge of my nose where my sunglasses were. I scraped the skin off the end of my nose and my chin. I took a good chunk out of the middle finger on my left hand, and I scraped the heel of my right hand. I also managed to scrape up my right knee something fierce and make it hurt worse than it already was. All the muscles that were already sore are now throbbing. I've got a pretty sizable bandaid on the bridge of my nose trying to cover the worst of the scrapes, the one that bled the most.

It freaked [personal profile] katsuko right the hell out, since she was walking next to me. I'm just glad it wasn't any worse than it is. Oh, I'm gonna be feeling it for days, but it wasn't any worse, like it could have been. What I'm going to be glad for is that my electric blank is on and heating up, so that I can sleep in warmth and hopefully heal those muscles a bit too.

So yeah, today was a painful kind of day, and I think I'm glad that it's finally over with. I'd really rather not have another like it, at least not for a long, long while.

Return of

Saturday, 17 March 2018 10:08 pm
apollymi: Ryou holding Thief King Bakura, text reads "Our Farewell" (YGO**Bakura/Ryou: Our Farewell)
Today has been the return of the lazy Saturday. I mean, granted, with naps, [personal profile] katsuko and I stayed up until around 5 in the morning. I don't even know for certain what we were doing until 5 in the morning, but I imagine it involved us zoning out to YouTube videos and the Sims on our phones. We're predictable like that.

Still in the depths of a major downswing, mood-wise. I'm trying to not think too much about it, which isn't working so great. But I'm trying. I really hope people can see how much I'm trying.

My teeth are fucking killing me. They have been for days. Or rather I should say they've been especially bad for days. They've hurt for years. Getting to a dentist was in the plans for this year until the car issues started.

But still, we got the grocery shopping for the week done, such as it was: tofu, cheese, butter, pasta, and cat food. That's all we could really afford and still have money to put in the Malibu's tank. And [personal profile] katsuko got all productive and made mini muffins for us to take with lunches next week. I'm going to start on making those tomorrow, so that that's out of the way for the week as well. One less thing to worry about.

Anyway, I'm going to take my pitiful ass self to bed and see if I feel slightly more human in the morning. It's worth a shot at least, right? At least I hopefully won't feel worse in the actual morning.

And hopefully, if I feel a little less pained in the morning, maybe I can get some actual writing done.

A few things to say

Friday, 16 March 2018 09:27 pm
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
I guess I can provide a little chit-chat about things that went on yesterday and today. It's certainly not going to be much, because I think I drifted through most of this week.

I did have my rheumatologist appointment yesterday. Of all the doctors I actually have to see, I like Dr. Singh and his PA Magdelena best, simply because they actually seem to give a damn about finding out what my problems are and how best to handle (and maybe fix) them.

Cut for health blathering )

I'm just about to give up on the fundraiser. I've only gotten the two donations, and while $50 is generous, it's not enough to do anything car-wise. It might not even be enough to put gas in the Malibu. It's pretty obvious that this is really low down on the priority list, with all the other fundraisers going around, especially on Tumblr, recently.

I don't have a good enough sob story, I guess. I just have a dead car, a loaner that I won't have for long, massive debt, bad credit, and an overwhelming urge to check my life insurance policy to see if it would help [personal profile] katsuko out if I could make it look like an accident, since there is a rider in my life insurance plan for that, since it's within two years of the start of my policy.

And yes, the depression is back in full swing. And I don't even care.