So. Tired. Again

Wednesday, 20 September 2017 12:34 am
apollymi: Chris and Vin with a heart, no text (Mag7**Chris/Vin: ❤)
I seem to have encountered a time warp this evening. I sat down on my couch and was doing stuff. At one point, I looked down and it was around 9:00. The next thing I know, [personal profile] katsuko is calling my name and it's around 10:00. Either I hit a time warp or I fell asleep on the couch... while sitting up... without typing in my sleep. Either one is possible. Hell, it's me: either one is actually pretty damn likely.

With that in mind, I'm calling it a fairly early night. I'm going to throw myself at my bed and hope that, one, sleep comes quickly and, two, that Boo lets me stay asleep without demanding too many pettings as payment. (I swear, it's like being in with the kitty mafia for a cuddle deficit.

So. Tired.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017 10:05 pm
apollymi: Grover sitting on a cow, text reads "I'm on a cow" (SS**Grover: I'm on a cow)
Seriously, I'm so tired, but I seem to lack the ability to pass out, even for a quick nap, right now. I got to the work area in time to have some breakfast this morning, which was good... but it was a Tuesday at work, which means that every asshole and idiot was out in force. What is it with these people and testing on Tuesdays? I wish to all the gods I knew. But it's a definite trend we have all seen going for the last few weeks.

It definitely made last week good, because there was no Tuesday crowd to deal with. That might have been the one upshot of the bad weather, other than the school being closed.

But that's neither here nor there. I got to work. I made it through the long, long work day. I left work and took the MARTA to IKEA... where I waited on [personal profile] katsuko to get off work. And honestly the two hours and forty-five minutes I was there felt just about as long as my entire work day did. I found myself a quiet corner there... that kept getting invaded by loud people. So that wasn't a lot of fun.

Made it home, and I thought I would nap while [personal profile] katsuko finished up dinner. But Boo wasn't digging that too much, so it didn't really happen. She wanted pettings and to purr, so of course that's what ended up happening instead of a nap.

But I think I'm going to try throwing myself at my bed and seeing if she'll let me sleep this time now. Wish me luck!

Quiet day

Sunday, 17 September 2017 10:43 pm
apollymi: Carl holding bottle of holy water, text from Monty Python & the Holy Grail (VH**Carl: Holy hand grenade)
I have had so much kitty assistance today. Luci has been all over the place. She's given me at least three free breast exams, and she's checked to see if where I got my flu shot is still sore. I hate to inform her that, yes, it still is, thank you very much.

I am vaguely annoyed that I'm missing one part of Resurrectionist. I tend to work on Scrivener a bit right before bed, and sometimes that means I do stupid stuff with it when I get too sleepy. Apparently this time I deleted all the text from the file. And I have no idea when it happened. So however many words there were are gone, and I have no way to get them back except to just rewrite them. It just makes me mad, because it had been going fairly well... but also because I'm still a little uncertain on the crossover characters. So I'm sad to lose that progress.

But I've had several good writing days in a row, and that makes me happy after my poor showing in August. I will make September be a better month for writing... especially with Mag7week starting on the 23rd.

And that's all I've got. I'm going to try to get a bit more done before I go to bed tonight, but that entirely depends on how much [personal profile] katsuko gets written in the corresponding section.

So long, my freaky darlings.

Cupcakes

Saturday, 16 September 2017 11:26 pm
apollymi: Doujinshi art, Roy & Ed, no text (FMA**Roy/Ed: These quiet moments)
I finally got to have my "it's not cancer" dessert. I decided to go with cupcakes. I have a lemon drop one, because I love lemon drop cupcakes from Cami Cakes, and [personal profile] katsuko had a Cookie and Cream one, because what's a celebration if you can't include your best friend and better half? I even posted photos of my "it's not cancer" cupcakes on Instagram, Tumblr, and Facebook, because that's how I roll apparently.

I rebought a purse that I had returned for rent money last month, and I feel vaguely happy about this. I liked the purse quite a bit, but keeping a roof over our head was more important.

And yeah, that's about all I've got for today. I'm shortly to head back the hall for bed, and I think that [personal profile] katsuko is going to sleep out on her bed for the night, since Luci has decided she can't stand a closed bedroom door. (But she and Boo need some space, because otherwise the relationship between them is just going to keep getting worse and worse.)

And that's definitely it. Good night, all.

Irma

Saturday, 9 September 2017 11:26 pm
apollymi: Zack facing away, text reads "So don't judge me by my failures, only by my dreams" (FF7**Zack: Judge me only by my dreams)
This is going to be a really quick post, since I keep drifting off to sleep here on the couch instead of writing, like I should be. In fact, writing all weekend was my original intention, but that just didn't happen.

It didn't happen because so much of m attention has been on Hurricane Irma, trying to track its progress, trying to see where it's going and if it's still going to come near or through Atlanta. Right now, it looks like we're only going to get the outer edges of it, and that will still mean some pretty nasty wind and rain.

Still no news on if Georgia State will be closing for the weather. Almost all the counties around Metro Atlanta are closing their schools, including the universities. But the ones within Metro Atlanta are still waffling on the matter, including GSU. So who knows? I might have work on Monday. I might not. At least [personal profile] katsuko is off at IKEA, though that's because it's a regular day off for her, not for Irma.

And as I keep up with the news coming out of Florida, I have to sigh. At least Florida State has already closed and gone down to essential personnel only. If I was still there, I probably would have already packed up [personal profile] katsuko and the kitties and come to Grandmother's, but at least I would have known my job gives a damn about my life and safety. None of this "we're not closing for a little wind and rain" nonsense. For all my issues with it, I can at least say FSU gave a damn about its staff and students, and there are a lot of days where I honest to all the gods miss it.

But there's nothing to be done for that right now. What I am going to do is take myself to bed.

So long, my freaky darlings. Sleep well.

OMG

Tuesday, 5 September 2017 11:34 pm
apollymi: Duo, Usagi, and Heero with grunge border, text reads "OT3" (OT3: Duo/Usagi/Heero (grunge))
Oh my gods, Luci! The very last thing you need is any kind of coffee -- but you especially don't need espresso! You're hyper enough as it is! Coffee and you would be a horrible combination!

So... I opened for Glynda this morning. I feel sort of punch drunk, because so many early mornings. The only real advantage of it is that the sun isn't up yet, so it's not in my face when I'm walking the last block, where there are no tall buildings to block the sun. So I did work for Glynda, and she was not in at all. It took LaTrease a while, but she managed to get in touch with her. She'll be in tomorrow, which is good, but that's the only thing we've got.

And it's good that she'll be back tomorrow, since tomorrow is... my gynecologist appointment! (Yay!) It's scheduled at 9:30 in the morning (because for some reason LaTrease wants me to try to get morning appointments) until... when it's done? I know they've got me scheduled for an ultrasound and who knows what else. So there's that.

And yeah, that's about it. I think it's time for me to go crash into my bed. Good night, all.

trying

Saturday, 26 August 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Doujinshi art, Roy & Ed, no text (FMA**Roy/Ed: These quiet moments)
I've been trying to type up this journal entry for nearly three hours. I just can't get my brain in the game. Kinda pathetic, huh?

We had a productive day today. We got up at a fairly decent time and rearranged the bedroom. It almost looks like we gained more room in there somehow, by basically changing where three pieces of furniture are located. And Boo now has a bit more safe area. Weirdly. Yeah.

I went with [personal profile] katsuko to Midtown, and I tried to get the shopping done while she was at work. Target did not have a broom to be found, and the only baby gates they had were over $70, and their blenders were not much cheaper. So I ended up googling and finding the closest Walmart. They had everything, but the tallest gate they had was 26 inches, which is nothing for Luci, so I just picked up the rest of the list: a litter mat (for Boo's bedroom litter box), a blender, a new broom, and some wet cat food.

After she finished at work, [personal profile] katsuko and I grabbed a quick bite and then went on the tour at Oakland Cemetery, "Dying in the 19th Century". Not quite everything I had been hoping for, but it was fun. I took some notes and a lot of pictures. Then we did a quick dinner and came home, and I've been trying to write up this journal entry since then.

I killed the battery on my phone, so I didn't really get any writing done while we were out. I'm going to try to play catch up tomorrow.

And that's it. Good night, all.

Tuesdays

Tuesday, 15 August 2017 11:06 pm
apollymi: Stitch doing an handstand and wiggling his butt, no text, animated (L&S**Stitch: Kiss my ass)
Why are Tuesdays at the testing center always so weird? If weirdos are going to come in, it always seems like it's going to be on Tuesdays. If people are going to try to game their tests to get more time, it always seems like it's going to be on Tuesdays. If something on the computers is going to mess up, it always seems like it's going to be on Tuesdays.

Well, next Tuesday is going to be my doctor's appointment. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm developing a list of things that I want to talk to her about. On the top of said list is getting back on a new antidepressant. Another high point on that list is the pain I keep having in my right heel, if it's a heel spur or if it's plantar fasciitis or some new bizarre twist on my fibromyalgia, and can I have a note telling my job that it's okay for me to wear tennis shoes. And that suggestion came from LaTrease.

Luci has already ditched her new collar. Seriously, she wore it for two days, if that. I haven't been able to find it yet, and I've been looking since we finally got home. It'll turn up eventually, but it's very annoying since she just got it.

And I think I'm going to try to go on to bed now. Later, all.

Writing

Sunday, 13 August 2017 11:31 pm
apollymi: Faraday in black and white, holding his gun, no text (Mag7**Faraday: Black and white)
I didn't get up to as much writing as I wanted to today. Gods know I tried, but the Nyquil and the headache and the lack of headphones didn't cooperate with this endeavor.

In further explanation, I took Nyquil to go to sleep last night. I slept the sleep of the well drugged, completely unconcerned for any spats the kitty girls might have been having. I barely woke up in time for [personal profile] katsuko to go to work, and I barely stayed awake long enough to get her text that she was arrived safely at work. At that point, I laid back down. Luci woke me up at 9:30 knocking stuff off the fridge, because her leaper is fantastic but her traction is in the negatives. I futzed about on the net for a bit, and then I fell asleep again rather than cook lunch. Yes, I literally decided to sleep rather than eat. I do this on the weekends. I don't care.

The headache, I think, is pretty self-explanatory. I took some ibuprofen, and that seemed to help.

The lack of headphones, however, requires some story time. Probably not much, but some. See, I loaned [personal profile] katsuko my headphones. They're not a great pair. In fact, I didn't even buy them: I found them at Panera about 10 months ago. Which is funny, because it was at Panera that I needed them. And I didn't have them. And oh gods, but the children in Panera today made me want to scream.

I have never before met so many children in one place that made me want birth control. Like, "ladies, I know they're your special snowflake of love and all, but they're making me wish for my uterus to spontaneously jump out of my body and flee to the hills". And "I see someone sitting by themselves trying to get work done... I must sit my three children next to them in the empty restaurant". Fucking Buckhead, man. Fucking Buckhead. It made me want to create a Tumblr just to bitch about it, with the subtitle being Buckhead: Where Southern Hospitality Goes To Die.

And Luci has decided today that she loves Roo's old Purple Mouse. Unlike Roo, though, she does not roll over on her back and put it on her head. She lays sedately next to it and sort of snuggles up to it, like it's her best homie. All love should be as pure as Luci and Purple Mouse.

And yeah, I'm deeply out of it, I think, so I'm going to go throw myself at my bed in hopes that sleep will happen. Or something. But hopefully sleep.

too much

Saturday, 12 August 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Close ups of Arthur and Eames, no text (Incep**Eames/Arthur: Dream bigger)
I'm just sort of done with everything.

The girls are fighting: growling and hissing and yowling and popping at each other. They've been hissing increasingly at each other over the last couple of days, but today has been the first day they've fought. Boo's stressed, Luci's stressed, and I am so far beyond stressed that I'm just sort of sitting in the corner crying. Boo is acting like she can't leave the front part of the house, Luci is acting like she controls the back part of the house, and I'm so goddamn frazzled by the whole thing. Boo runs, Luci chases, and I keep trying to separate the two of them without touching or favoring one of them.

This is more than my nerves can handle. I know there are growing pains to introducing animals to one another. I know I got spoiled with how well the previous four all got along. But really, I'm not even joking about sitting in the corner crying.

I don't even know what to do, so I'm just going to sit here and fucking cry. Okay?
apollymi: Kaiba looking pissed, purple overtones, text reads "Cursed" (YGO**Kaiba: Cursed)
This is going to just be a quickie post while I'm working on getting tonight's episode of Game of Thrones to cooperate.

I feel like this whole week has been a very "one thing after another after another" kind of week. (Yes, I'm counting Sunday as part of last week.) I had the jury duty on Monday. I had a long week at work. I keep getting headaches out of nowhere, unconnected to whether I'm wearing my contacts or my glasses. I had someone complain about me on Friday at work (because I wouldn't let her skip line to go to the bathroom). Yesterday, I ended up wasting a good chunk of the morning waiting to get my contacts... and then most of the rest of the day hunched up in an uncomfortable chair at IKEA. Today I spent bouncing between Panera Breads while [personal profile] katsuko was at first IKEA then Mirko.

I've had a screaming headache since around lunchtime. Unfortunately, I had nothing to take for it until I got home around 10 this evening.

And now we have a flat tire on the car from running over a nail. Because fuck my life.

Honestly.

Girlies

Saturday, 5 August 2017 10:50 pm
apollymi: Cloud leaning on Zack, text reads "Love will find a way" (FF7**Zack/Cloud: Love will find a way)
Boo and Luci are still circling each other. I know it hasn't even been a week yet, and it takes a lot of time. I'm just ready for them to start getting along and stop hissing all the time. It's turned to Boo doing the hissing now, while Luci does her best impression of Snake Cat. (And that's a Google Image Search I never want to do again.)

Well, my eye doctor was finally in the office when I went to pick up my contacts. Granted, it ended up taking a lot longer than I felt like it should have for her to confirm that, yes, my contacts did indeed fit and to give me three boxes of my prescription. It certainly didn't leave me any spare time to go home, and instead I ended up taking [personal profile] katsuko on to IKEA. It did mean that I had to sit in an uncomfortable chair for eight hours drinking a lot of hot tea while I waited on her to finish up, but I got some reading done. I didn't get a lot of writing done, but I did read over some of our previous stuff. Hopefully that will be conducive to getting more writing done tomorrow.

That said, I think it's about time for me to pass the hell out again.

Good night, all.

asleep

Friday, 4 August 2017 10:37 pm
apollymi: Ryou holding Thief King Bakura, text reads "Our Farewell" (YGO**Bakura/Ryou: Our Farewell)
I keep falling asleep today. I fell asleep for a few seconds at the time a few times at work. I fell asleep a couple of times at Panera Bread while [personal profile] katsuko was at the restaurant. I keep falling asleep here at home on the couch.

The girls, Boo and Luci, are hissing at each other today. I don't think Boo is in the mood to be terribly nice. She's tolerating the new kitty, but that's about it. Luci is staying out tonight, and we'll see how that ends up going.

Neither of us have had good writing days so far here in August. Maybe once we get our sleep back on an even keel we'll get some more done, but right now, that's not looking so great. Neither of us have topped a thousand words for more than one day so far... but we're both going to keep trying.

But I'm also going to give up on trying tonight. Sleep well, all.

tired

Thursday, 3 August 2017 09:57 pm
apollymi: Trunks staring off in the middle distance, no text (DBZ**Trunks: Sentinel)
Camp is over, so now we're back to the old subject lines... which means there are going to be the old repeaters again. This one is always apt, so it's a repeater. I am going to try not to do it all the time, though, no matter how accurate it might be.

Luci is out and exploring. She and Boo had a very sweet moment of sniffing each other's noses earlier. And miraculously, there was no hissing. There was no growling. Luci might have gotten a little closer to the ground, but not too much. Boo initiated it, and she seems to be pretty okay. There was a hissing moment or two later, when they found each other unexpectedly in the same place (behind the couch and then in the food area).

I think I'm going to be passing out in the very near future, though. I think I'm very, very okay with this. I still don't have a thousand words today, but I'm not trying for it, not right now. Right now, I'm trying for sleep. If I feel a bit better tomorrow, maybe then I'll try to do a full thousand, but it's just not happening tonight.

And yeah, that's all I've got for today. Later, all.

Exploration City

Tuesday, 1 August 2017 10:27 pm
apollymi: Steve & Danny on couch, text reads "It is what it is" (H50**Steve/Danny: It is what it is)
Luci is all up in the exploration thing today. [personal profile] katsuko decided that she needed some time outside the bathroom to try again meeting Boo and seeing if they can get along. Mostly that consisted of Luci doing her best Halloween cat impression at Boo and Boo giving her the biggest "I am disappointed in your attitude, young lady" face. It's sort of amusing.

She is a sleek gorgeous young lady, with lots of love to give. I just hope she starts extending some of that to Boo. I'm Team Boo here.

I'm also just too tired to do much of anything. Tired and just emotionally null and void.

And that's it.
apollymi: Text only, "Security is going to run you down hard" (Incep**Eames/Arthur: Security)
So yeah, Camp NaNoWriMo is now officially over. Jury duty is now officially over. A one cat household is now officially over. It's a day of endings.

I finished Camp with 61,853 words, which isn't so bad, I guess. It's not fantastic or anything, but it's a good word count. [personal profile] daimeryan_rei said she would get me back for beating her word count back in April, and I'll be damned if she didn't. She didn't just get me back: no, she pretty thoroughly stomped me.

I went in for my jury duty. I feel like I spent most of my day sitting in a chair watching reality TV, mainly Hotel Impossible. The first group (of 70 people) was called back around 9:00 or 9:30 in the morning. The second group (of 40) was called back at around 10:30 in the morning. A break was called that was supposed to be for 20 minutes, but most people came straggling back around 11:00. Finally they came up and said that the third trial of the day had been settled without the need for a jury and the potential jurors for that one could go home. Turned out that that was the trial I was supposed to be on, so I got to bail around 11:45. Since the only thing I'd eaten all day had been some PopTarts out of a vending machine, I went to Peachtree Center for some lunch (Thai noodles, with tofu, steamed veggies, and lots of duck sauce). By then it was nearly 1:30, so I decided to call it a day and go to IKEA to pick [personal profile] katsuko up from work and take her to Mirko.

...which is where point number three comes in. Boo has been acting a bit miserable being an only cat, so we had been talking about looking for her a companion. We were denied at FurKids, and we didn't see anyone that really appealed to us at the Mansell Road Humane Society. But for shits and giggles, we decided to swing through the Howell Mill Road Humane Society on the way to Mirko. [personal profile] katsuko fell in love hard and fast with Lucille -- now Luci -- and we ended up bringing her home today as well. She's currently living it up in the bathroom, while she and Boo have slap fights through the door. And me? I'm trying not to have a hundred panic attacks, because right around the time we got to the adoption process and signing the paperwork, my brain started having the mother of all freakouts. I'm not certain at all that I was ready for a new kitty, but we've got one now, so I'm going to have to do some adapting myself.

One last ending: me being awake is officially over. I've been drifting in and out most of the day, and I think I'm going to sign off on trying to stay awake any longer. It's really early, especially for the last night of a Writing Month, but I'm knackered. I'm too emotional to try to stay awake and deal with anything, so maybe some sleep with put me of a better mood and mental capacity to deal with anything.

So that's what today has been. And that's what I'm going to go do: sleep like a motherfucker.

Good night, all.
apollymi: Usagi in a swimsuit, no text (BSSM**Usagi: Summer)
God, I am still so wiped out. I wish I knew why. I got enough sleep over the last few days, more or less. More than I usually get, at least. That's a thing, right? More sleep? Because I've been trying to hit the sack right around the same time as [personal profile] katsuko.

I'm not sure how well it's working, though, when I'm always tired. I woke up a little bit ago, having listed over to the side and slept at a horrible angle. Now I'm completely stiff and sore and achy. And I'm a little discontent as well.

To make matters worse, I can't concentrate. I honestly am wondering a little bit if I'm anemic again, because this is very much like the last time I was anemic. I'm trying to eat better now than I was then, but I have been having a series of terrible periods. The first one started on June 05 and went through July 02. The most recent one started on July 18 and is still ongoing. On Friday, in fact, it went haywire: I bled through three pads in about two hours, all the way through the pad, my underwear, my jeans, and onto the chair.

And somehow I have to have jury duty on Monday with all of this going on. Not looking forward to it. I wasn't looking forward to it to begin with, but now I'm really not looking forward to it.

And yeah, writing is not going well with all of this. I'm over my 50,000 minimum words, but I don't think I'm going to hit my unofficial goal. Not unless tomorrow is a fantastic writing day, and I'm not sure how likely that is actually going to be.

Finally, FurKids denied our application for Wilmington and/or Remstar. We went the Humane Society today, the Alpharetta campus, to see if any of the kitties there spoke to us nearly as much as those two did, but no luck. Fury and Missy were probably the closest, and they were sorta iffy. I think we're going to try going to the Howell Mill campus next week and see if any of the other kitties there speak to us. If they don't, then we'll probably go back for either Fury (who I keep calling Diablo, all white cat or not) or Missy. (I did like Bobby, but he's on special food. Yoda was a serious grump lord, so I'm not keen on bringing him home to Boo. Princess was a diva. Panther was a grump. FiFi wants to be the boss of all things. Seriously, it's either Missy or Fury, if we go from Alpharetta.

But I did adore Wilmington, at least from his picture. It does tally with what I saw on all the online reviews: FurKids is actually hard as hell to adopt a pet from. You would think they would want these animals in homes, but apparently making people jump through a thousand hoops, only to say 'no', is more fun? I don't know.

And that's all I've got. I'm just trying to get my minimum 1,000 words for the day. I'm too tired now to keep trying, though, so I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night, all.
apollymi: Trunks staring off in the middle distance, no text (DBZ**Trunks: Sentinel)
So close to the end. So close to done. I just don't know that I'm going to reach my unofficial 65,000 word goal. I still have another 10,000 words to go, and I don't have that many days left to try to make these words happen. I'm not saying I'm stopping, but I'm not sure I'll reach 65k. That's all I'm saying.

I'm seriously ready for the weekend. I'm ready to see if we can't get some more of the rent (and other) money up. I'm ready to see if we end up going to FurKids or to the Humane Society and bringing home a kitty baby. If it's through FurKids, [personal profile] katsuko is talking about bringing home two: Wilmington and Remstar... or as they will be to us, Buck and Remy. But online reviews suggest that they are very difficult to get animals through. So we're also looking at the Humane Society of Fulton County.

I'm torn on how I feel about this. Yes, the Humane Society is a good option, but we've both kind of fallen in love with Wilmington and Remstar. And I know Wilmington has been at FurKids since at least March or April, when I first started glancing around there. You'd think they'd want to get him into a loving home... but they are apparently somewhat difficult to adopt pets from.

I don't know. We'll see what happens.

And even though I don't have all my words that I want for the day, I'm going on to bed. I'm so damn tired that all I want to do is drop. So I think that I'm going to do just that. Later, all.
apollymi: Giles holding a blue cup of tea, text reads "cuppa tea" (BtVS**Giles: Cuppa tea)
Well, I've officially broken my 50,000 word goal. That's a good thing at least. I got out Write or Die, so I have a nice and high word count for the day, so I can go to bed at a semi-decent hour. I'm still working on the unofficial goal of 65,000 words. I'm not completely sure that I'll reach that, but I'm going to try.

Work was work. We had some computer issues and some difficult testers and all, but I made it through the day.

Roo was ready to pick up this afternoon, and [personal profile] katsuko did it, since she was already off work and I still had a couple hours left. We have him with Aya and Jimi. His paw print is on the mantle piece with Jimi's as well. That's significantly harder.

I found out the other day that part of my job is in a bit of jeopardy because I still owe the IRS money. Specifically, I still owe them $166 from 2013, money I thought was already paid. And after the rather huge bill with Roo, nearly $400, it's also money that I don't have. I have seven days from receiving the letter to have it paid in full or in a payment plan or risk losing that part of my job.

And yeah, that's the daily freakout.
apollymi: Don Schanke with a paper, looking very unimpressed, no text (FK**Schanke: Schanke is unimpressed)
I feel like I'm almost caught up with where I need to be for sleep, except that I'm about to start back to work tomorrow, which means a distinct lack of sleep again.

That isn't to say that I haven't spent the day drifting off at the odd moment, including at Panera Bread, but at least I haven't felt as drained as I usually do. I do, however, have the distinct impression that the weekend went by without me.

And I know that's because I spent the whole weekend drifting by in a sort of haze. Honestly, I'm a little bit still there. I keep looking for Roo on the end of the couch or Jimi snuggled up next to me. I feel like I'm constantly having to be the brave one and not let myself break down in tears... aside from the panic attack I had on the phone with Mom when I first got home on Friday and found Roo.

I hate having to feel like I need to be the strong one. I would love the opportunity to break down. I'm tired of being strong. But I can't seem to get past that block in my brain that says I have to be. I can't stop hearing Oyaji's voice in my head every time I start crying, calling them "crocodile tears" or telling me to grow up or something like that. It's not healthy, but that's where my brain is at.

Anyway, I need to go crawl into my bed. 5:30 gets here awfully early, after all.