Not Cancer

Friday, 15 September 2017 11:59 pm
apollymi: Manic look Ninth Doctor, text reads "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" (DW**9th Doctor: Up to no good)
So I had my two/three doctors' appointments today. And the good news is... it's not cancer.

I started my day with the saline ultrasound, and while I was on the bench, they finally got me my results back from the biopsies last week... with the "not cancer" results. The walls of my uterine cavity are very thick for my age and health: about 1.3" centimeters thick. And the wonky periods now have a likely root cause. And that is a 3 cm long, 0.5 cm thick fibroid in my uterine cavity.

And may I say for the record that the saline ultrasound sucked? Because it did. It really did. But it didn't suck nearly as badly as the biopsies did. Plus the ultrasound tech and Dr. Hathaway and I spent a large portion of the time we we doing all this chatting about Captain America, DragonCon, and the Avengers. That helped a lot towards distracting myself.

My second appointment was basically Dr. Hathaway explain the results of the ultrasound today and the one last week. She did discuss with me the fact that I"m going to have to have outpatient surgery to get the fibroid removed. I gave some thought to asking her to just take the whole damn uterus, because I have no interest in keeping it, but somehow I didn't.

All in all, I liked the staff at that branch of my gynecologist's better than the Sandy Springs location. Everyone was a lot nicer, and they all treated me like I had a brain in my head, which isn't to say that the other location talked down to me, but I've been to enough gynecologists who do.

I did a quick lunch with [personal profile] katsuko at The Flying Biscuit. It was delicious as always... and it turned out that it was only five minutes from my primary physician. That was a quick visit. We went over my blood tests, Dr Woodhouse upped my Paxil prescription from 10mg to 20mg, and I got two jabs: tDap and flu. Because I'm hoping not get sick on my birthday this year.

After all that, I went to Panera while [personal profile] katsuko was at Mirko, and after she got out, we did a celebratory dinner at Jinya. I feel like I stuffed myself, but it's a happy thing... Even if it means that I can't quite seem to keep my eyes open now.

So I'm going on to bed. Sleep well, all.

updates

Thursday, 24 August 2017 10:57 pm
apollymi: Black cat sitting on pumpkins, no text (Proud mom of a black cat) (Kitten: Black cat)
So I heard back from my temporary doctor: I'm to take the Paxil at night, since it apparently makes me hella sleepy. I took it about an hour ago, so I'm waiting to see when it kicks in. If this suddenly descends into gibberish, you'll know it kicked in. We'll see.

I do keep drifting off. That's probably a sign that they're kicking in, yeah? Or it's just a sign that it's been too long of a day, and I'm ready to be done with it? I guess that one could go either way, huh?

I've done fuck all for writing today. Mostly, I've just been too tired for much of anything. That's... actually pretty typical for me starting a new pill. Plus the work day was kinda crazy, between 15 MCATs and one STEP 2 tester. The STEP was the issue, because she came wandering in late and then tried to catch an attitude. Glynda shut that down pretty hard, though. In turn that meant that I had to be "good cop", but alas, c'est la vie.

I don't think that I'm going to hit my goal of 1000 words today. I'm just too tired right now for that. I've edited a few hundred words in, but that's not going to be nearly enough. I'm not exactly upset by this. I probably should be, but I'm not. Good thing?

I did manage to win a $25 Amazon gift card recently. Everyone keeps telling me to spend it on something just for me, but I'm debating on using it to get a baby gate to go up in the house, so that Boo has some guaranteed privacy. The trick is going to be finding one that fits the wide hallway entrance. It's over 40 inches wide, approaching 50, so most traditional baby gates aren't going to work.

And yeah that's all I'v got for today. Later, all.
apollymi: Hicks holding Ripley as Ripley holds Newt, text reads "Family" (Aliens**Hicks/Ripley+Newt: Family)
So the doctor's appointment went fairly well. I'm pretty pleased with how it went.

I saw a temporary doctor today because my regular PCP is still on maternity leave. I kind of adore my temporary doctor, but she assures me that I will like the regular one once I get to meet her. Everyone at the office was super impressed with my record keeping and the fact I brought them in copies of some of my medical records. They all said it was a big help and gave them a good place to start, even if the records are four years out of date (because I haven't been to a doctor for more than a prescription top off or urgent care visit since then).

It did help that one of the records I found way a yearly summary, including medications I was taking at the time and what lab tests I had had done recently. Mostly those were checking and rechecking my A1C, my C-Reactive Protein, iron levels, and my thyroid levels. She expressed some concerns over the number of times they checked and rechecked my C-Reactive Proteins and thyroid levels. It seemed odd, she said, that they never managed to pin down the cause of my joint pain and just stopped at fibromyalgia without ever sending me to a rheumatologist. So she's not beating around the bush: she's sending me to one to try to pin down the problems with my joints.

Fibromyalgia is a diagnosis you only come to when you've exhausted all other possible diagnoses, apparently, and she was a little unhappy that they hung that diagnosis on me without those last few steps. If that makes sense.

So I'm back on some of my old medication: Albuterol (asthma), Maxalt (migraines), and Pantoprazole (gastroenteritis). I'm on a new antidepressant, Paxil. She's starting me on 10mg and will be building me up to 20mg in about a month. It's a chance to see if it's something that works better for me than some of the other things I've used over the years (Effexor, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Zyprexa, and Elavil), since it might also help with my anxiety.

I'm just ready to start feeling more like who I used to be again. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I have to go back in three weeks, which is going to be fun, let me tell you, trying to get more time off work. I'll figure something out. I always do. (I always have to.)

Anyway, sleep now. It's an early, long day tomorrow, between [personal profile] katsuko's 6:00 IKEA shift, my 8:30 GSU shift, and [personal profile] katsuko's 5:00 Mirko shift. If nothing else, this visit has resulted in an admonition to try to take things easier... as well as a note to let me wear trainers to work, so that my plantar fasciitis has a chance to start trying to heal some.

And yeah, that's it. Later, all.

Exploration City

Tuesday, 1 August 2017 10:27 pm
apollymi: Steve & Danny on couch, text reads "It is what it is" (H50**Steve/Danny: It is what it is)
Luci is all up in the exploration thing today. [personal profile] katsuko decided that she needed some time outside the bathroom to try again meeting Boo and seeing if they can get along. Mostly that consisted of Luci doing her best Halloween cat impression at Boo and Boo giving her the biggest "I am disappointed in your attitude, young lady" face. It's sort of amusing.

She is a sleek gorgeous young lady, with lots of love to give. I just hope she starts extending some of that to Boo. I'm Team Boo here.

I'm also just too tired to do much of anything. Tired and just emotionally null and void.

And that's it.
apollymi: Text only, "Security is going to run you down hard" (Incep**Eames/Arthur: Security)
So yeah, Camp NaNoWriMo is now officially over. Jury duty is now officially over. A one cat household is now officially over. It's a day of endings.

I finished Camp with 61,853 words, which isn't so bad, I guess. It's not fantastic or anything, but it's a good word count. [personal profile] daimeryan_rei said she would get me back for beating her word count back in April, and I'll be damned if she didn't. She didn't just get me back: no, she pretty thoroughly stomped me.

I went in for my jury duty. I feel like I spent most of my day sitting in a chair watching reality TV, mainly Hotel Impossible. The first group (of 70 people) was called back around 9:00 or 9:30 in the morning. The second group (of 40) was called back at around 10:30 in the morning. A break was called that was supposed to be for 20 minutes, but most people came straggling back around 11:00. Finally they came up and said that the third trial of the day had been settled without the need for a jury and the potential jurors for that one could go home. Turned out that that was the trial I was supposed to be on, so I got to bail around 11:45. Since the only thing I'd eaten all day had been some PopTarts out of a vending machine, I went to Peachtree Center for some lunch (Thai noodles, with tofu, steamed veggies, and lots of duck sauce). By then it was nearly 1:30, so I decided to call it a day and go to IKEA to pick [personal profile] katsuko up from work and take her to Mirko.

...which is where point number three comes in. Boo has been acting a bit miserable being an only cat, so we had been talking about looking for her a companion. We were denied at FurKids, and we didn't see anyone that really appealed to us at the Mansell Road Humane Society. But for shits and giggles, we decided to swing through the Howell Mill Road Humane Society on the way to Mirko. [personal profile] katsuko fell in love hard and fast with Lucille -- now Luci -- and we ended up bringing her home today as well. She's currently living it up in the bathroom, while she and Boo have slap fights through the door. And me? I'm trying not to have a hundred panic attacks, because right around the time we got to the adoption process and signing the paperwork, my brain started having the mother of all freakouts. I'm not certain at all that I was ready for a new kitty, but we've got one now, so I'm going to have to do some adapting myself.

One last ending: me being awake is officially over. I've been drifting in and out most of the day, and I think I'm going to sign off on trying to stay awake any longer. It's really early, especially for the last night of a Writing Month, but I'm knackered. I'm too emotional to try to stay awake and deal with anything, so maybe some sleep with put me of a better mood and mental capacity to deal with anything.

So that's what today has been. And that's what I'm going to go do: sleep like a motherfucker.

Good night, all.
apollymi: Manic look Ninth Doctor, text reads "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" (DW**9th Doctor: Up to no good)
Just when I think we've got our heads above water again, something comes crashing back down to change all that.

Because somehow, despite working over 70 hours in the last two weeks, [personal profile] katsuko's IKEA paycheck take-home was less than $300. Hell, it was barely $200. We needed that money to pay rent. In fact, we'd been hoping to get rent paid on time or early this month. Instead, now, we're going to have to wait until the 4th when my check goes in and hope that she makes enough at the restaurant to make up the difference.

And I still have to pay another $110 to the IRS as soon as possible. They want it within seven days (I'm not sure if that's seven business days or just seven days) in order for me to keep my part of the contract. But the other part of the IRS said that they will be sending me a letter saying it has to be paid in full within 30 days. And I just don't know. It's ridiculous.

But in addition to our nearly $1000 rent payment, I also have to come up with that $110 for the IRS. Plus $110 in late fees that will be assessed because we have to pay after the 3rd now. And I just have to hope that I have all this together by the 9th, because on the 10th, they evict us. Plus I have to pay for our storage building (another $70) and renter's insurance ($25). And then there's the Verizon phone bill ($214). But at least I managed to get the internet and car insurance paid before this.

I'm regretting going to the eye doctor, though. Yes, I didn't have any more contacts and, yes, [personal profile] katsuko's glasses were six years old, but we need that money now. I don't regret the money I spent towards getting Roo taken care of, even the $90 for them to make a paw print impression for us, because that needed to be done, but that was a huge $400 bill. Because, yes, cremation is apparently expensive as hell, but I wanted my boy to be treated right.

I'm just out of ideas. Obviously, I'm also out of money. I'm about to the point of trying to sell plasma for money. I'm already going to be selling a lot of my DVDs and BluRays for money and hoping I get a decent bit for them. I'm also probably going to be selling my XBox 360.

I'm just... This is all too, too much. I'm mentally and emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm at the point of possibly having to say no conventions this year. I might have to tell Mist not to come visit because we won't be able to afford anything while she's here, if I'm crunching the numbers right. And I might need to cancel my doctor's appointment for next month, the one that's supposed to tell me while I've had a period last three and a half weeks, go down to spotting for a week and a half, then start again ten days ago -- and is still ongoing.

I'm at my wit's end.
apollymi: Don Schanke with a paper, looking very unimpressed, no text (FK**Schanke: Schanke is unimpressed)
I feel like I'm almost caught up with where I need to be for sleep, except that I'm about to start back to work tomorrow, which means a distinct lack of sleep again.

That isn't to say that I haven't spent the day drifting off at the odd moment, including at Panera Bread, but at least I haven't felt as drained as I usually do. I do, however, have the distinct impression that the weekend went by without me.

And I know that's because I spent the whole weekend drifting by in a sort of haze. Honestly, I'm a little bit still there. I keep looking for Roo on the end of the couch or Jimi snuggled up next to me. I feel like I'm constantly having to be the brave one and not let myself break down in tears... aside from the panic attack I had on the phone with Mom when I first got home on Friday and found Roo.

I hate having to feel like I need to be the strong one. I would love the opportunity to break down. I'm tired of being strong. But I can't seem to get past that block in my brain that says I have to be. I can't stop hearing Oyaji's voice in my head every time I start crying, calling them "crocodile tears" or telling me to grow up or something like that. It's not healthy, but that's where my brain is at.

Anyway, I need to go crawl into my bed. 5:30 gets here awfully early, after all.
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
I can't say that I feel much of anything today. I'm numb, is probably the best way to say it. I'm numb and emotionally void. I'm flying mostly on autopilot last night and today, and I just don't even know what to do about it.

I'm just tired and numb and void. I've got nothing in me. I'm trying to keep on keeping on, and I'm not sure how much of that I've got left in me.

Because we already had the appointments, both [personal profile] katsuko and I had our eyes checked today. She needed new glasses desperately, and my last pair of contact lenses ripped on Friday. Her glasses are being made, and I'll have my contacts in a week or so. I have a trial pair for now, which is better than nothing, I suppose.

We have had a Boo hanging out with us every time we're still for more than a few minutes at the time. She's not on the furniture with us while we're writing or anything, but she's hanging in the same room as us, which is new and different and definitely not unwelcome.

I keep worrying that she's going to get lonesome on her own. She's always had at least one other kitty around. I'm just not sure that [personal profile] katsuko and I are both ready for a new cat. I'm not sure if we're recovered from losing Jimi and now, after losing Roo, it's all so raw. But I also feel like we need to do what's best for her and think about if she needs a companion.

But like I told [personal profile] katsuko, no decisions right now, not while we're not at our best. Boo will forgive us that much at least, if she does feel lonely. We need a little time... and we need a chance to recover financially from the unexpected cremation cost. Because that was nearly $400 we did not have to spare.

And yeah, I'm just null and void. I'm numb beyond meaning of the word. I just don't care anymore. I can't make myself feel anything.
apollymi: Hansel & Gretel in the woods, text reads "We've got the taste of blood" (H&G: Hansel & Gretel: Taste of blood)
So, yeah, I didn't do so great with the writing today either. I was hoping for a lot more than I managed, that's for certain.

I'm just going to have to break out Write or Die for tomorrow to get caught back up to where I need to be. I had to use it today to get as far as I did.

I'm not tired of writing. I'm just tired. And easily distracted. But mostly tired.

Weekend!

Friday, 23 June 2017 10:42 pm
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
It's finally the weekend! It's not quite a sleeping in kind of weekend, but at least it's a don't have to be at either job kind of a weekend.

I'm getting really sick of Roo's new habit of chewing on typing fingers. I enjoy him sitting in my lap and being all sweet and purr-some, but this new thing of his with biting is getting very old very fast.

I've deleted [community profile] 15kinks off my Scrivener twice this week. I'm just very damn discouraged on the whole thing.

But then, I'm just very damn discouraged on life and everything.

And that's it.

Oh well

Thursday, 22 June 2017 09:43 pm
apollymi: Drawing of cross-looking chick, holding a teabag. Text reads "No tea No work" (Stock: No tea = no work)
I'm in a contrary brain space.

I want to make more words happen. The harder I try, the less they want to come.
I get in a writing groove but have to leave at the end of my lunch break. I can't make words happen now.
"You look like you're enjoying your music." I cut off my music.
I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go to bed yet in case words do happen.
I feel like shit and want to talk. If I start thinking about talking, I start feeling like I'm choking.

As far as #365k/365Day is going, I've written over 268k so far. I'm approximately 73% of the way to goal. I've ended each month with at least 6,000 words over where I needed to be. My best month so far has been May, where I wrote nearly 36,000 more words than I needed. I might have the occasional shitty writing day, but I'm not letting myself get behind where I need to be.

I'm still on my goddamn period. I've been on my period since June 5. Monday will be three damn weeks. I'm fucking sick of it. It shows no sign of slowing down or stopping.

[community profile] 15kinks is... ongoing. I've had a few good writing nights in a row off it, so that's good. I still feel like it's ridiculous and unreadable and so fucking pointless, but I have one damn anonymous reader on Tumblr. I'm writing for them.

And on that contrary note, I'm fucking sick of Tumblr too. I haven't quite taken it off my phone yet. But it's not far from it either.

Tired

Tuesday, 6 June 2017 11:23 pm
apollymi: Manic look Ninth Doctor, text reads "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" (DW**9th Doctor: Up to no good)
I'm sitting here watching [personal profile] katsuko sleep on the other end of the couch, and all I can think about is how much I wish that were me napping so hard. I really feel like I need one, even though I really should already be in bed by now.

As tired as I am, I should already be in my bed, curled up and bracing myself to face another day.

Also, distressingly, I'm looking at the GSU website. Everything I'm seeing says that my probationary period is 6 months, not 90 days like LaTrease was telling me. These are very different date ranges, and I really kind of have to have an idea of which one of these it is. If it's 90 days, then I can take my time off for Dragon*Con, Halloween, and when Mist comes to town. If it's 6 months, then that's October -- and the only one of those three sets of dates I'm hoping for off that I can even ask for will be Halloween.

It also means that that's the soonest I could go see a doctor is at the end of October.

I really hope that what LaTrease is telling me is the correct information. I'm well past needing to get back on my crazy pills. But also I'm just sick and tired of always feeling sick and tired.

And yeah, that's all I've got for today.

Well...`

Thursday, 1 June 2017 10:34 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba fanart, black & purple background, text reads "We'll make something out of nothing" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Something out of not)
Well, there went my creativity.

I've been fighting with the boys all damn day, and that's been difficult enough. Then I had someone ask me for a sample of what I'm working on. I posted some of Shelter on [community profile] eternal_sailorm. The entire reaction I got was... and I quote:
Well. That was interesting.

That's it.

This is why this story isn't on AO3 yet. At this rate, I'm not sure it's actually going to go on AO3 at all.

In other words, I'm right back to discouraged about my writing again.

So... something

Wednesday, 31 May 2017 10:23 pm
apollymi: Usagi holding Luna, Artemis, and Diana, no text (BSSM**Usagi: Kitties!)
I'm not sure if I'm tired or drained or too into the shit I'm writing. It's hard to be certain.

I suspect it's a combination of the three. Holy shit, the story took a dark turn, and I really need to get through this bit, so that we can get back to your regularly scheduled kinky porn.

And yeah, that's all I've got to say for myself.

So long, my freaky darlings.

Early but

Monday, 8 May 2017 10:28 pm
apollymi: Steve & Danny hugging, text reads "Stop breaking my fucking heart" (H50**Steve/Danny: Stop breaking my ❤)
It's like super early for going to bed, but I'm so freaking tired that bed is not far away. I'm not sure that I'm going to hit 1000 words today, even with the words I have handwritten, but I guess that might be okay. It's not a hill I want to die on today, if nothing else. So I'm going to type this up, type up what I handwrote at work today, and then go the fuck to bed.

I'm a little frustrated with all the things I'm working on, actually. I have a list of complaints, even. Wicked Ones was easier to work on before the characters made up and started getting along. Damning the Devil is at a full stop, to the point it's being plundered for ideas for other stories. Memento Mori is fighting me hard, but it's not ready for a scene change yet. Lev7 is pretty much at a standstill, because while we might have the entire first job mostly sketched out, it's very rough and I'm not sure how to get from where we are to where we need to be. Monstrous: After Midnight is fighting me, in part because the bits I'm working on are the final battle, and I blow at fight scenes, I really do. Resurrectionist is giving me relationship fits, because I actually have developed so much love for the Goody/Faraday pairing at the beginning that I'm sorta "meh" on it ever turning OT4 at the end... though the threesome that will end up ensuing later on still makes my fucking day so much.

And even though I'm the one proposing a "Aces High" challenge -- a writing challenge to come up with Mag7 fanfic where at least one of the characters is asexual -- I have no ideas whatsoever on it. I'm not even working with [personal profile] katsuko on the one she's writing.

I feel like I'm being left in the dust by everyone. I kinda hate it. At the same time, though, yeah, why not. I'm no good as a Mag7 author without [personal profile] katsuko. No one reads my YGO stuff. My crossovers are a joke. And my actual novels? Clearly worthless, given the stellar lack of sales. Why am I fucking bothering? Why do I even try, you know?

What gets comments? The stories or sections of stories that [personal profile] katsuko writes. What gets kudos? The two stories that I just consulted on. What gets the most love? The story that I've barely written on and more or less just maintain the website.

Why do I bother trying to write. Why do I bother, period, full stop.

Whistling badass

Friday, 5 May 2017 11:46 pm
apollymi: Doujinshi art, Roy & Ed, no text (FMA**Roy/Ed: These quiet moments)
So, I've survived another week at New Job. I'm tired. I'm so damn exhausted, truth be told, but I've made it another week.

I'm getting a little closer to being official at GSU. What I do have: an ADP account for time management (and HR), an email address, a computer login, and a Panther campus ID card. What I don't have yet: keys, an ADP login card for doing my own clock-ins and clock-outs, and a few other things. I'm not sure I feel like a full-fledged employee just yet.

[personal profile] katsuko and I did go to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2 today. It was very good. I'm not saying too much more, because... spoilers. But Yondu is a whistling badass, and I adore him. I want to pick up Baby Groot and freaking cuddle him. There are indeed 5 after credit scenes. Kurt Russell chews on the damn scenery every chance he gets. There are plenty of Easter eggs in the credits. I would like to reiterate that I love Peter Quill and I want to see much, much more of him; I cannot wait for The Avengers: Infinity War to come out.

I like what I love most about the Guardians of the Galaxy movies is that they feel very self-contained. It doesn't feel like each movie is setting up the next in the franchise constantly. Like how all the Phase One individual movies set up The Avengers and how The Avengers: Age of Ultron sets up Thor: Ragnarok and how Captain America: Civil War sets up Spiderman: Homecoming... and so on and so forth. No, the Guardians of the Galaxy movies are self-contained and, for the most part, never even venture to Earth/Terra.

And yeah, that's all I've got to say on the matter. I need to get [personal profile] katsuko into a bed, because she has an early shift in the morning.

So.... later, all.

Something

Thursday, 4 May 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Kaiba looking determined, text reads "Where angels fear to tread" (YGO**Kaiba: Where angels fear to tread)
One of these nights I'm actually going to have something worthwhile to say here, instead of always bitching about sleep and how tired I am and all that shit.

I did manage to write some today. It was on Wicked Ones and Resurrectionist, a little bit on each one, probably less than 400 words in total. But I'm trying. I'm working on getting words. They are happening; they're just happening slowly. But whatever works, right? As long as the words occur, that's what matters, yes?

I don't think I'm going to get a thousand words today. I'll be doing good to break 700 in total, I'm thinking.

And I won't get too many words done tomorrow either. I'm finally in the computer system at New Job, so tomorrow I have to go get my picture ID and my keys. I'll also be getting an email address set up tomorrow too.

...Plus... Movie. Tomorrow is the day that [personal profile] katsuko and I are going to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2. I'm seriously excited. You can't tell it, but I am.

Anyway, that's about it. Later.

So tired

Wednesday, 3 May 2017 10:48 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba, close up on eyes, text reads "Your eyes" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Your eyes)
I need to hurry up and get adjusted to this new schedule. Which means I need to get used to going to bed at a decent time. That's proving difficult, though. I've had three or so years now of going to bed ridiculously late and then getting up whenever... and probably supplementing it with naps throughout the day. I keep thinking about the fact that there is a "relaxation room" in the office suite at New Job, but I don't have keys yet to get back in the area where it's at, which does indeed put a damper on going to visit it. When I eventually get said keys, I guess I could start eating lunch at my desk and spending my lunch hour there napping or what have you. That might work... or it might get me more thrown off. I don't know. It's a moot point right now, but it's still a thought that keeps percolating through my head.

I'm so tired all the time, and most of the time that just translates into me being a bit weepy, a bit emotionally drained, and a bit null and void. Even when I do sleep, I can't say I've really dreamed anything for a bit. There just isn't enough in me, I suppose.

Sleeping on my side and all has my left shoulder acting all fucking up again. I've been sleeping on my left side because I tend to get less nauseous in the night that way, but it doesn't look like that's going to work. I try to sleep on my back, but I really can't, not when I don't have Jimi to lay between my knees, not when Roo wants to lay on my chest. It's more the former than the latter, though: I can't sleep on my back without Jimi between my knees.

And now I can't breathe.

I don't think I have anything else I can say, other than some vague reports on writing. I did a little on Wicked Ones Chapter Nineteen, and I did some more on Resurrectionist's chapter "Bite". I don't think I managed 1000 words today, but honestly, I don't care.

Goodnight.

So tired

Thursday, 27 April 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Ryou holding Thief King Bakura, text reads "Our Farewell" (YGO**Bakura/Ryou: Our Farewell)
I would love to go through my journal and see if this is the subject line that is used the most often. Because, honestly, unless I sleep a good ten or so hours, I'm always tired. And Roo doesn't believe in mommies sleeping that long. It cuts into his quality first breakfast time.

We were talking about pets at New Job today, and I just barely held it together. I kept having to correct myself from saying "I have three cats", and it just wrecked me. It just fucking wrecked me.

Mum sent me a video from Jellybean. She knew I was very sad about Jimi and made me a card and wants to come visit me.

Still don't seem right: me drawing breath when Jimi isn't. Seems like I should fix this. It keeps feeling like I should fix this. I keep on not fixing it.

And yeah, that's all I've fucking got in me. That's all I've fucking got.

Numb

Thursday, 20 April 2017 11:14 pm
apollymi: Faraday and Vasquez fighting back to back, no text (Mag7**Vasquez/Faraday: Back to back)
I'm not sure I've got anything in me today. I'm still feeling incredibly withdrawn from my body and from my mind. All I've wanted to do for days now is just find a vaguely horizontal surface and just collapse on it.

I'm still having to make myself eat. It's actually really hard. Food just doesn't sound good at all, and I get nauseated at the thought of it right now. Well, at least this ought to get some of the weight off me?

Why isn't there more fanfic out there for Wynonna/Doc/Dolls in the Wynonna Earp fandom? There is a sad dearth of them. The threeway chemistry is just too strong to ignore. Dammit, I think I picked up another rare pairing.

And that's it. I've got nothing else in me. Later, all.