apollymi: Manic look Ninth Doctor, text reads "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" (DW**9th Doctor: Up to no good)
Just when I think we've got our heads above water again, something comes crashing back down to change all that.

Because somehow, despite working over 70 hours in the last two weeks, [personal profile] katsuko's IKEA paycheck take-home was less than $300. Hell, it was barely $200. We needed that money to pay rent. In fact, we'd been hoping to get rent paid on time or early this month. Instead, now, we're going to have to wait until the 4th when my check goes in and hope that she makes enough at the restaurant to make up the difference.

And I still have to pay another $110 to the IRS as soon as possible. They want it within seven days (I'm not sure if that's seven business days or just seven days) in order for me to keep my part of the contract. But the other part of the IRS said that they will be sending me a letter saying it has to be paid in full within 30 days. And I just don't know. It's ridiculous.

But in addition to our nearly $1000 rent payment, I also have to come up with that $110 for the IRS. Plus $110 in late fees that will be assessed because we have to pay after the 3rd now. And I just have to hope that I have all this together by the 9th, because on the 10th, they evict us. Plus I have to pay for our storage building (another $70) and renter's insurance ($25). And then there's the Verizon phone bill ($214). But at least I managed to get the internet and car insurance paid before this.

I'm regretting going to the eye doctor, though. Yes, I didn't have any more contacts and, yes, [personal profile] katsuko's glasses were six years old, but we need that money now. I don't regret the money I spent towards getting Roo taken care of, even the $90 for them to make a paw print impression for us, because that needed to be done, but that was a huge $400 bill. Because, yes, cremation is apparently expensive as hell, but I wanted my boy to be treated right.

I'm just out of ideas. Obviously, I'm also out of money. I'm about to the point of trying to sell plasma for money. I'm already going to be selling a lot of my DVDs and BluRays for money and hoping I get a decent bit for them. I'm also probably going to be selling my XBox 360.

I'm just... This is all too, too much. I'm mentally and emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm at the point of possibly having to say no conventions this year. I might have to tell Mist not to come visit because we won't be able to afford anything while she's here, if I'm crunching the numbers right. And I might need to cancel my doctor's appointment for next month, the one that's supposed to tell me while I've had a period last three and a half weeks, go down to spotting for a week and a half, then start again ten days ago -- and is still ongoing.

I'm at my wit's end.
apollymi: Don Schanke with a paper, looking very unimpressed, no text (FK**Schanke: Schanke is unimpressed)
I feel like I'm almost caught up with where I need to be for sleep, except that I'm about to start back to work tomorrow, which means a distinct lack of sleep again.

That isn't to say that I haven't spent the day drifting off at the odd moment, including at Panera Bread, but at least I haven't felt as drained as I usually do. I do, however, have the distinct impression that the weekend went by without me.

And I know that's because I spent the whole weekend drifting by in a sort of haze. Honestly, I'm a little bit still there. I keep looking for Roo on the end of the couch or Jimi snuggled up next to me. I feel like I'm constantly having to be the brave one and not let myself break down in tears... aside from the panic attack I had on the phone with Mom when I first got home on Friday and found Roo.

I hate having to feel like I need to be the strong one. I would love the opportunity to break down. I'm tired of being strong. But I can't seem to get past that block in my brain that says I have to be. I can't stop hearing Oyaji's voice in my head every time I start crying, calling them "crocodile tears" or telling me to grow up or something like that. It's not healthy, but that's where my brain is at.

Anyway, I need to go crawl into my bed. 5:30 gets here awfully early, after all.
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
I can't say that I feel much of anything today. I'm numb, is probably the best way to say it. I'm numb and emotionally void. I'm flying mostly on autopilot last night and today, and I just don't even know what to do about it.

I'm just tired and numb and void. I've got nothing in me. I'm trying to keep on keeping on, and I'm not sure how much of that I've got left in me.

Because we already had the appointments, both [personal profile] katsuko and I had our eyes checked today. She needed new glasses desperately, and my last pair of contact lenses ripped on Friday. Her glasses are being made, and I'll have my contacts in a week or so. I have a trial pair for now, which is better than nothing, I suppose.

We have had a Boo hanging out with us every time we're still for more than a few minutes at the time. She's not on the furniture with us while we're writing or anything, but she's hanging in the same room as us, which is new and different and definitely not unwelcome.

I keep worrying that she's going to get lonesome on her own. She's always had at least one other kitty around. I'm just not sure that [personal profile] katsuko and I are both ready for a new cat. I'm not sure if we're recovered from losing Jimi and now, after losing Roo, it's all so raw. But I also feel like we need to do what's best for her and think about if she needs a companion.

But like I told [personal profile] katsuko, no decisions right now, not while we're not at our best. Boo will forgive us that much at least, if she does feel lonely. We need a little time... and we need a chance to recover financially from the unexpected cremation cost. Because that was nearly $400 we did not have to spare.

And yeah, I'm just null and void. I'm numb beyond meaning of the word. I just don't care anymore. I can't make myself feel anything.
apollymi: Hansel & Gretel in the woods, text reads "We've got the taste of blood" (H&G: Hansel & Gretel: Taste of blood)
So, yeah, I didn't do so great with the writing today either. I was hoping for a lot more than I managed, that's for certain.

I'm just going to have to break out Write or Die for tomorrow to get caught back up to where I need to be. I had to use it today to get as far as I did.

I'm not tired of writing. I'm just tired. And easily distracted. But mostly tired.

Weekend!

Friday, 23 June 2017 10:42 pm
apollymi: Captain America in the middle of rubble, no text (Aveng**Cap: Devestation)
It's finally the weekend! It's not quite a sleeping in kind of weekend, but at least it's a don't have to be at either job kind of a weekend.

I'm getting really sick of Roo's new habit of chewing on typing fingers. I enjoy him sitting in my lap and being all sweet and purr-some, but this new thing of his with biting is getting very old very fast.

I've deleted [community profile] 15kinks off my Scrivener twice this week. I'm just very damn discouraged on the whole thing.

But then, I'm just very damn discouraged on life and everything.

And that's it.

Oh well

Thursday, 22 June 2017 09:43 pm
apollymi: Drawing of cross-looking chick, holding a teabag. Text reads "No tea No work" (Stock: No tea = no work)
I'm in a contrary brain space.

I want to make more words happen. The harder I try, the less they want to come.
I get in a writing groove but have to leave at the end of my lunch break. I can't make words happen now.
"You look like you're enjoying your music." I cut off my music.
I'm so damn tired. I don't want to go to bed yet in case words do happen.
I feel like shit and want to talk. If I start thinking about talking, I start feeling like I'm choking.

As far as #365k/365Day is going, I've written over 268k so far. I'm approximately 73% of the way to goal. I've ended each month with at least 6,000 words over where I needed to be. My best month so far has been May, where I wrote nearly 36,000 more words than I needed. I might have the occasional shitty writing day, but I'm not letting myself get behind where I need to be.

I'm still on my goddamn period. I've been on my period since June 5. Monday will be three damn weeks. I'm fucking sick of it. It shows no sign of slowing down or stopping.

[community profile] 15kinks is... ongoing. I've had a few good writing nights in a row off it, so that's good. I still feel like it's ridiculous and unreadable and so fucking pointless, but I have one damn anonymous reader on Tumblr. I'm writing for them.

And on that contrary note, I'm fucking sick of Tumblr too. I haven't quite taken it off my phone yet. But it's not far from it either.

Tired

Tuesday, 6 June 2017 11:23 pm
apollymi: Manic look Ninth Doctor, text reads "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" (DW**9th Doctor: Up to no good)
I'm sitting here watching [personal profile] katsuko sleep on the other end of the couch, and all I can think about is how much I wish that were me napping so hard. I really feel like I need one, even though I really should already be in bed by now.

As tired as I am, I should already be in my bed, curled up and bracing myself to face another day.

Also, distressingly, I'm looking at the GSU website. Everything I'm seeing says that my probationary period is 6 months, not 90 days like LaTrease was telling me. These are very different date ranges, and I really kind of have to have an idea of which one of these it is. If it's 90 days, then I can take my time off for Dragon*Con, Halloween, and when Mist comes to town. If it's 6 months, then that's October -- and the only one of those three sets of dates I'm hoping for off that I can even ask for will be Halloween.

It also means that that's the soonest I could go see a doctor is at the end of October.

I really hope that what LaTrease is telling me is the correct information. I'm well past needing to get back on my crazy pills. But also I'm just sick and tired of always feeling sick and tired.

And yeah, that's all I've got for today.

Well...`

Thursday, 1 June 2017 10:34 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba fanart, black & purple background, text reads "We'll make something out of nothing" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Something out of not)
Well, there went my creativity.

I've been fighting with the boys all damn day, and that's been difficult enough. Then I had someone ask me for a sample of what I'm working on. I posted some of Shelter on [community profile] eternal_sailorm. The entire reaction I got was... and I quote:
Well. That was interesting.

That's it.

This is why this story isn't on AO3 yet. At this rate, I'm not sure it's actually going to go on AO3 at all.

In other words, I'm right back to discouraged about my writing again.

So... something

Wednesday, 31 May 2017 10:23 pm
apollymi: Usagi holding Luna, Artemis, and Diana, no text (BSSM**Usagi: Kitties!)
I'm not sure if I'm tired or drained or too into the shit I'm writing. It's hard to be certain.

I suspect it's a combination of the three. Holy shit, the story took a dark turn, and I really need to get through this bit, so that we can get back to your regularly scheduled kinky porn.

And yeah, that's all I've got to say for myself.

So long, my freaky darlings.

Early but

Monday, 8 May 2017 10:28 pm
apollymi: Steve & Danny hugging, text reads "Stop breaking my fucking heart" (H50**Steve/Danny: Stop breaking my ❤)
It's like super early for going to bed, but I'm so freaking tired that bed is not far away. I'm not sure that I'm going to hit 1000 words today, even with the words I have handwritten, but I guess that might be okay. It's not a hill I want to die on today, if nothing else. So I'm going to type this up, type up what I handwrote at work today, and then go the fuck to bed.

I'm a little frustrated with all the things I'm working on, actually. I have a list of complaints, even. Wicked Ones was easier to work on before the characters made up and started getting along. Damning the Devil is at a full stop, to the point it's being plundered for ideas for other stories. Memento Mori is fighting me hard, but it's not ready for a scene change yet. Lev7 is pretty much at a standstill, because while we might have the entire first job mostly sketched out, it's very rough and I'm not sure how to get from where we are to where we need to be. Monstrous: After Midnight is fighting me, in part because the bits I'm working on are the final battle, and I blow at fight scenes, I really do. Resurrectionist is giving me relationship fits, because I actually have developed so much love for the Goody/Faraday pairing at the beginning that I'm sorta "meh" on it ever turning OT4 at the end... though the threesome that will end up ensuing later on still makes my fucking day so much.

And even though I'm the one proposing a "Aces High" challenge -- a writing challenge to come up with Mag7 fanfic where at least one of the characters is asexual -- I have no ideas whatsoever on it. I'm not even working with [personal profile] katsuko on the one she's writing.

I feel like I'm being left in the dust by everyone. I kinda hate it. At the same time, though, yeah, why not. I'm no good as a Mag7 author without [personal profile] katsuko. No one reads my YGO stuff. My crossovers are a joke. And my actual novels? Clearly worthless, given the stellar lack of sales. Why am I fucking bothering? Why do I even try, you know?

What gets comments? The stories or sections of stories that [personal profile] katsuko writes. What gets kudos? The two stories that I just consulted on. What gets the most love? The story that I've barely written on and more or less just maintain the website.

Why do I bother trying to write. Why do I bother, period, full stop.

Whistling badass

Friday, 5 May 2017 11:46 pm
apollymi: Doujinshi art, Roy & Ed, no text (FMA**Roy/Ed: These quiet moments)
So, I've survived another week at New Job. I'm tired. I'm so damn exhausted, truth be told, but I've made it another week.

I'm getting a little closer to being official at GSU. What I do have: an ADP account for time management (and HR), an email address, a computer login, and a Panther campus ID card. What I don't have yet: keys, an ADP login card for doing my own clock-ins and clock-outs, and a few other things. I'm not sure I feel like a full-fledged employee just yet.

[personal profile] katsuko and I did go to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2 today. It was very good. I'm not saying too much more, because... spoilers. But Yondu is a whistling badass, and I adore him. I want to pick up Baby Groot and freaking cuddle him. There are indeed 5 after credit scenes. Kurt Russell chews on the damn scenery every chance he gets. There are plenty of Easter eggs in the credits. I would like to reiterate that I love Peter Quill and I want to see much, much more of him; I cannot wait for The Avengers: Infinity War to come out.

I like what I love most about the Guardians of the Galaxy movies is that they feel very self-contained. It doesn't feel like each movie is setting up the next in the franchise constantly. Like how all the Phase One individual movies set up The Avengers and how The Avengers: Age of Ultron sets up Thor: Ragnarok and how Captain America: Civil War sets up Spiderman: Homecoming... and so on and so forth. No, the Guardians of the Galaxy movies are self-contained and, for the most part, never even venture to Earth/Terra.

And yeah, that's all I've got to say on the matter. I need to get [personal profile] katsuko into a bed, because she has an early shift in the morning.

So.... later, all.

Something

Thursday, 4 May 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Kaiba looking determined, text reads "Where angels fear to tread" (YGO**Kaiba: Where angels fear to tread)
One of these nights I'm actually going to have something worthwhile to say here, instead of always bitching about sleep and how tired I am and all that shit.

I did manage to write some today. It was on Wicked Ones and Resurrectionist, a little bit on each one, probably less than 400 words in total. But I'm trying. I'm working on getting words. They are happening; they're just happening slowly. But whatever works, right? As long as the words occur, that's what matters, yes?

I don't think I'm going to get a thousand words today. I'll be doing good to break 700 in total, I'm thinking.

And I won't get too many words done tomorrow either. I'm finally in the computer system at New Job, so tomorrow I have to go get my picture ID and my keys. I'll also be getting an email address set up tomorrow too.

...Plus... Movie. Tomorrow is the day that [personal profile] katsuko and I are going to see Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume 2. I'm seriously excited. You can't tell it, but I am.

Anyway, that's about it. Later.

So tired

Wednesday, 3 May 2017 10:48 pm
apollymi: Bakura and Kaiba, close up on eyes, text reads "Your eyes" (YGO**Bakura/Kaiba: Your eyes)
I need to hurry up and get adjusted to this new schedule. Which means I need to get used to going to bed at a decent time. That's proving difficult, though. I've had three or so years now of going to bed ridiculously late and then getting up whenever... and probably supplementing it with naps throughout the day. I keep thinking about the fact that there is a "relaxation room" in the office suite at New Job, but I don't have keys yet to get back in the area where it's at, which does indeed put a damper on going to visit it. When I eventually get said keys, I guess I could start eating lunch at my desk and spending my lunch hour there napping or what have you. That might work... or it might get me more thrown off. I don't know. It's a moot point right now, but it's still a thought that keeps percolating through my head.

I'm so tired all the time, and most of the time that just translates into me being a bit weepy, a bit emotionally drained, and a bit null and void. Even when I do sleep, I can't say I've really dreamed anything for a bit. There just isn't enough in me, I suppose.

Sleeping on my side and all has my left shoulder acting all fucking up again. I've been sleeping on my left side because I tend to get less nauseous in the night that way, but it doesn't look like that's going to work. I try to sleep on my back, but I really can't, not when I don't have Jimi to lay between my knees, not when Roo wants to lay on my chest. It's more the former than the latter, though: I can't sleep on my back without Jimi between my knees.

And now I can't breathe.

I don't think I have anything else I can say, other than some vague reports on writing. I did a little on Wicked Ones Chapter Nineteen, and I did some more on Resurrectionist's chapter "Bite". I don't think I managed 1000 words today, but honestly, I don't care.

Goodnight.

So tired

Thursday, 27 April 2017 11:01 pm
apollymi: Ryou holding Thief King Bakura, text reads "Our Farewell" (YGO**Bakura/Ryou: Our Farewell)
I would love to go through my journal and see if this is the subject line that is used the most often. Because, honestly, unless I sleep a good ten or so hours, I'm always tired. And Roo doesn't believe in mommies sleeping that long. It cuts into his quality first breakfast time.

We were talking about pets at New Job today, and I just barely held it together. I kept having to correct myself from saying "I have three cats", and it just wrecked me. It just fucking wrecked me.

Mum sent me a video from Jellybean. She knew I was very sad about Jimi and made me a card and wants to come visit me.

Still don't seem right: me drawing breath when Jimi isn't. Seems like I should fix this. It keeps feeling like I should fix this. I keep on not fixing it.

And yeah, that's all I've fucking got in me. That's all I've fucking got.

Numb

Thursday, 20 April 2017 11:14 pm
apollymi: Faraday and Vasquez fighting back to back, no text (Mag7**Vasquez/Faraday: Back to back)
I'm not sure I've got anything in me today. I'm still feeling incredibly withdrawn from my body and from my mind. All I've wanted to do for days now is just find a vaguely horizontal surface and just collapse on it.

I'm still having to make myself eat. It's actually really hard. Food just doesn't sound good at all, and I get nauseated at the thought of it right now. Well, at least this ought to get some of the weight off me?

Why isn't there more fanfic out there for Wynonna/Doc/Dolls in the Wynonna Earp fandom? There is a sad dearth of them. The threeway chemistry is just too strong to ignore. Dammit, I think I picked up another rare pairing.

And that's it. I've got nothing else in me. Later, all.

Sleepy

Sunday, 16 April 2017 11:09 pm
apollymi: Chococat sitting in an orange chair, no text (Sanrio**Chococat: This is my ROOM!)
Okay, this one is going to be hella short and hella quick, because I don't really have anything to say. I'm just... Yeah, I'm just not. I have a whole lot of just not going on right now, and I'm not enjoying that at all.

Today at work was... well, today at work. It was the same as it always is.

We got some of the things done today that we set out to do, but I don't think we even came close to accomplishing all of them. I don't even think we've accomplished a half or a third of them. We moved the dressers so that the apartments can do fireplace maintenance, but we haven't swept or vacuumed yet today. Maybe we'll get up early and do all that tomorrow. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it all tonight.

I did get a chapter of Wicked Ones posted to AO3. Apparently, I sent [archiveofourown.org profile] Hazel_Athena into feelings fits with this chapter, so that's a nice, I guess.

And yeah, that's about all I've got for me for today. More tomorrow when I'm hopefully feeling a bit more... me.

Honestly

Saturday, 15 April 2017 10:26 pm
apollymi: Kyle holding his head, text reads "*facepalm*" (Term**Kyle: *facepalm*)
Honestly, writing the journal entries is way harder than it needs to be right now. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's not as enjoyable as the rest of the writing is.

Granted, right now, none of the writing is particularly enjoyable, but then, also, nothing is enjoyable right now. Saying I'm in the midst of a downswing is a major understatement. I wish I could get said downswing to go away, but it's just not working.

Jimi is peeing outside the box again, so we're back trying to get apple cider vinegar in the cats again. When we can get them to take it in, it always helps, but it's getting the cats to eat or drink it that's always the problem.

And yeah, that's about all I've got to say for myself for today. I'm going to try to finish getting my words done for Camp and #365k/365Day. Later.

done

Saturday, 1 April 2017 10:47 pm
apollymi: Black background, text reads "Rare pairings: oh hell, why the fuck not?" (Text: Rare pairings - why not?)
I'm having a bad day emotionally speaking. It's... yeah... Okay, it's bad.

Like I've put some serious thinking into pulling Wicked Ones completely offline. Like I haven't told [personal profile] katsuko no, when she's threatened to hold stories hostage and just told her that the story she was originally suggesting holding hostage wouldn't make as much of an impact as After Midnight.

Because clearly, that's the only one of the Mag7 stories that matter.

I'm just a bit... It's been a bad day. It's been a lot of bad days all in a row.

Yes, I write WO for me. It helps me work through the shit that's built up in my head. It's some of the hardest, most emotionally draining shit I've ever written. Yes, it's not the most popular story I've ever written; that dubious honor belongs solely to After Midnight.

So I don't know. I'm having one bad day after another one. I'm alternating between feeling like I'm DB the Second for our little chat group or completely incidental. Like, if I weren't seeing my things pop up on [personal profile] katsuko's computer, I'd think they weren't going through. I feel like I'm either completely overwhelming everyone or I'm not there at all. I don't know: my brain insists that I'm either a fucking overwhelming burden or completely immaterial to everything going on around me. There is no happy medium.

And that's me. I'm in a bad mental place right now, and I'm too tired to even try to dig myself back out of it.

Long day

Friday, 24 March 2017 11:30 pm
apollymi: Sherlock looking excited, text reads "This is so going on my blog" (BBCSher**Sherlock: Going on my blog)
[personal profile] katsuko and I pretty much walked in the house ten minutes ago. She took fourth cut at work, hoping to make a little bit more money, but not so much. I mean, I think she made a bit after 8:30, but not as much as she had been hoping for. If that makes sense. I don't know if it does or doesn't, because I'm very freaking tired. I've slept about two hours over the past two days, thanks to a throbbing tooth keeping me awake.

I keep posting stories to AO3, even though I'm feeling more and more unloved by the day. The ones that are getting comments are not the ones I'm working... or if I've worked on bits of them, it's everything else getting the love. It's very discouraging.

But maybe with some sleep I'll be feeling more pleased with it. I don't know.

I heard back from GSU regarding the Testing Center Admin Coordinator. I'm currently a finalist for it, pending HR, credit checks, and background checks. So... maybe?

Tomorrow is the big catering order: nearly $3000 worth of food to be delivered. I'll get a 20% commission off of it in a few weeks, but supposedly, I should also be getting tipped off of it. I should additionally be getting tipped for the delivery I have to make on Sunday too, in addition to the commission. We'll see. If I do get tipped, it would be a huge step towards getting our rent paid on time with a minimum of overdrafting [personal profile] katsuko's account.

And that's all I've got for today. Later.

Quickly

Tuesday, 21 March 2017 09:10 pm
apollymi: Sarah reading a book, text reads "can't talk reading fanfic" (Labyrinth**Sarah: Can't talk - Fanfic!)
This is going to have to be a hella fast entry, because our power keeps flickering with the storm going on outside. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have power and wifi to make this entry, so it has to be fast and now.

I think I mentioned that I emailed GSU about the Admin Coordinator job I applied for. I heard back yesterday, and they're currently verifying references. I also heard back from another job I applied for at GSU, this one in their library's Special Collections department. I would prefer the latter job, obviously. I miss my libraries. I miss my Special Collections.

But I don't want to get my hopes up. I will take either job. I will gladly take either job.

And zombie fic is coming along. It's coming along at the expense of everything else, but it is indeed coming along. And no, I haven't updated any of the places I usually post. I just have been too... something for that.

And the weather is picking back up, so I'm stopping now. Later, all.