Dark Matters

Wednesday, 19 April 2017 10:42 pm
apollymi: Zack facing away, text reads "So don't judge me by my failures, only by my dreams" (FF7**Zack: Judge me only by my dreams)
[personal profile] apollymi
I need to say all this, and it's probably going to break me a little -- a lot -- to get any of it out, but it has to happen. It's just sitting behind my throat, eating away at me, and if I don't get it out, I feel like I'm going to go mad.

Jimi died yesterday, Tuesday the 18th.

He started peeing outside the box on Saturday the 14th, continuing into Sunday the 15th. We thought it was the same old Feline Idiopathic Cystitis that he's had before acting up again, so we put down some pee pads and started adding some apple cider vinegar to his water. I last saw him definitely eat something on the 16th. He was always a picky eater, though, and didn't like the ACV, so we thought it was that. We thought if we left the food out, he'd eventually eat and get the ACV into him. But then by the morning of the 17th, he was barely drinking any water and he was shaky with his jumping. I borrowed what money I could on the 17th, with a mind that when it deposited on the 19th, I would take him to the vet.

The morning of the 18th, he was tired and walking close to the ground. We left for work, thinking that if he was still the same when we got home, we would just overdraft the account anyway and take him to the vet a day early. It wouldn't be ideal, not so close to rent being doing, but we didn't think we could put it off any longer.

We got home and knew something was wrong when only two cats met us at the door. Jimi was laying in the kitty bed in the hallway. I picked him up, and he cuddled in close to my chest, like he did the first time I picked him up, right out a dog's mouth. I decided right then to call the vet and immediately did so. The earliest appointment we could get would be at 4:50. It was 2:45. I asked if I arrived early, could they possibly see him early; they made no promises. I went back inside, having had to go out on the patio to get any reception...

...and he was fading away right then and there in [personal profile] katsuko's arms. I took him from her, sat down on the edge of the couch, and started doing CPR on my baby. I don't even remember for how long, but it had to have been at least ten minutes before it was obviously too late.

Then I had start making phone calls: canceling the vet appointment, finding out about cremation, trying to get words to vent out to Mum. I borrowed $200 from Mum to go ahead and cremate him, so that he can be next to Aya. When I'm able to go pick him up, probably Monday. [personal profile] katsuko held him all the way to the crematorium, and I held him the whole time we were there: wrapped up in his favorite blanket, wearing his favorite collar, and holding his favorite toy.

I've had to be the strong one in all this, and I'm not sure how much more strong I've got left in me.

He was my baby, the youngest cat of the pack, and he was the one who was always the most sensitive to my needs. I always thought to myself that, if I had a therapy animal or an emotional support animal, it was Jimi. He was the closest thing I had in my life to a blessing anymore: always able to bring me up from my lowest points, willing to cuddle up to me when I'm at my worst, and right beside me through the nights to keep me company.

And it's thanks to the fact that I couldn't read what he was trying to tell me correctly that he's gone. It's because I didn't swallow my pride to ask for money sooner that he's gone.

I shouldn't have paid the pet fee last week. If I hadn't, I would have had the money on Saturday to take him right then, right when he first got sick. Even if I did do that, I should have borrowed the money earlier, so that I would have had it sooner to take him earlier, work be damned.

Part of me wants someone to blame me for this. But most of me knows the truth: yes, it's my fault. I might as well have killed him myself, and no one is ever going to blame me more than I blame myself.

And all I've been able to think last night and throughout the day today was that it's a good thing there's not a gun in this house or I would have finally done it. I'm not even letting myself walk over to my desk, because I'm not sure I'll be able to resist the entire bottle of painkillers sitting there. I haven't let myself cook anything in the kitchen that required more than boiling water, because I'm not sure I can resist the lure of any of the knives in there. I think I've reached my tipping point, and this is it.

And the damnable thing is that I can't even cry. I want to. I can feel so many pain and anguish and sorrow at the back of my chest just waiting to be let out... and I can't. I physically cannot. There are some tears escaping my eyes, but every time I even think about just letting the sorrow out, I hear Oyaji in the back of my head mocking me for each and every time I ever cried where he could see it, and everything just stoppers back up again.

Date: 22 Apr 2017 07:41 am (UTC)
daimeryan_rei: made by <lj user="kc_anathema"> (General - Nature - Flowers)
From: [personal profile] daimeryan_rei
I'm so, so sorry to hear about your loss, dear. I'm sending you much love and warmth and comfort, please don't be so hard on yourself. I know exactly how you feel and hopefully the rawness of it all has numbed down a bit these days, but if anything, allow yourself to grieve and to heal again. It'll take precious amount of time, but do what you need to do. ♥ ♥

O my 'polly-mio....

Date: 24 Apr 2017 02:31 am (UTC)
not_hathor: (Cassiopia Nebula)
From: [personal profile] not_hathor
I am so sorry to hear about Jimi -- Please don't be so hard on yourself with the "If only's" and "I should have's"--- I've been there too. If only I'd noticed that bump under Kahvi's eye sooner ... but it wouldn't have changed the bone cancer diagnosis. I didn't notice that Chani had drastically lost weight until she started vomiting up her food after eating and coughing a lot; when I finally took her to the vet, hoping it was something that could be treated with antibiotics --- if we'd gone sooner, it STILL would have been inoperable liver cancer. Same with Orion -- I thought it was atypical seizures, and that a different medication might be needed.....

*hugs* Hugs* Hugs* my 'polly-mio, I'll cry for you; I have enough tears for you and Jimi and katsuko, and my own darling fur babies, and my sister's poor little Agatha and Lexie (she couldn't get them to the vet, either....)